River meets the Doctors
by Basil Allegri
Summary: River meets all of the Doctor's incarnations/regenerations, up to the eleventh.  What is the poor Doctor going to do?  Any of him...  It helps if you're familiar with the younger Doctors.
1. Intro

The warden could feel another headache coming on.

"_Someone_ – shut those infernal alarms off!" he roared for the third time. Finally one of the guards passing by his office managed to hear him, and he sped off to obey. A minute later, the blaring air-horns mercifully silenced.

He sighed in relief as the ache in his head lessened.

"Sir, what are we to do now?" Blithe, one of newer recruits asked, peaking his head into the office. He'd forgotten to salute.

The warden made a shooing motion with his right hand, the left hand massaging his too-wrinkled brow. Since _she_ had been put here, it felt like he aged decades in the year that she'd been here. "Wait 'til she comes back – like we always do," he told the guard.

The younger man opened his mouth to protest but it was cut off with a loud "Just get back to work!" from his superior.

_He'll have to learn_, the warden thought, _that when it comes to River Song, there's nothing _anyone_ can do._Now to come up with an explanation for his superiors. The warden had to admit that he was getting rather good at that.

~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ ! ~ !~ ! ~ !

The Doctor yelped as the heel of a four-inch stiletto jabbed him in the waist. As he tried to sit up, he whacked his head on the console he'd been attempting to fix.

"River!" he scolded loudly, rubbing his head. "You could have killed me!"

"Well, Sweetie, next time you promise to pick me up, don't forget". She said it sweetly, but her eyes were shooting poisonous darts.

The Doctor managed to get himself in a sitting position. "Since when did I...?"

"Doesn't matter, does it?" River told him. She leaned over so her face was level with his. She smiled when he gulped. "I'm here. You're here. Now."

Before she could kiss him, the Doctor hastily scrambled to his feet. River looked disappointed, but allowed him to compose himself. In the end, he didn't look terribly composed, but at least his voice didn't squeak when he talked.

"Firstly," the Doctor held up a finger, "I think we should find out where we are, shall we?"

"Whatever you say, sweetie," River said in a milky voice. She leaned against the rail, waiting for him to start.

The Doctor's nose twitched, and he had to blink before he could say anything. "Right," he managed. "Right."

Then he gained momentum. "Okay, I'm at Canton Delaware the Third, Florida, and Lance Armstrong's foot."

"Oh! Way past you, dear," River declared. She had her blue diary out. Where had she gotten that? From what the Doctor could see, she didn't have any pockets.

"Ahem," she had to alert him.

The Doctor jumped, and tried (in vain) to appear nonchalant. "Byzantium?" he asked lamely.

River flipped through her diary. She looked up at him and said, "Not yet." The Doctor grinned.

"Pandorica?"

"Got it."

"That one incident with the Sontarans and whipped cream," the Doctor said, smiling at the memory.

"Closer," River said. "That was three nights ago for me. Done the moon made of cheese yet?"

"You mean Kesoluna?" the Doctor asked. "No. Only been there once. They kicked me out because I cheated and brought my own crackers – apparently you're _supposed _to buy them at the little shop, those cheapskates."

"Well, when you decide to bring me," River told him, "bring tortilla crisps instead, won't you?"

The Doctor chuckled, "But River, crisps are only good with cheese if the cheese is melted."

River stared at him.

The Doctor's smiled faded. The implications suddenly dawned on him. "River..." he choked.

River grinned. "Apparently firing a drivian-250 on a moon made of cheese isn't exactly the safest way to stop Ouridis from sabotaging incoming tourist ships, but what can I say? It was all I had."

The Doctor slapped his forehead. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," he grumbled. "You're _supposed_ to say, 'Spoilers', then do that whacky grin thing, and demand that we go somewhere."

"But then you'd forget the crisps, sweetie," River said with a smile. The Doctor gave an exasperated sigh. She said fondly, "Very well then, I don't really have a reason to say 'Spoilers' bu I will now demand that you take me somewhere."

The Doctor grinned, excited as a five-year-old on Chiristmas, then turned around to fiddle with the controls. "So, River, anywhere in particular that you want to go?"

River tilted her head, considering. Then she alleged, "You pick. Just make it exciting."

The Doctor grinned. "One whopping, exciting planet, coming up!" he shouted, slamming several levers down. River backed away so that he could take full control.

After much dinging, whirring, and frantic skidding, they landed. River was amused to see the Doctor freeze, then tiptoe over to the rails and peer into the corridor beyond.

"What _are_ you doing?" she asked loudly.

The Doctor jumped. He hushed her and motioned zipping her lips. "I'm making sure Amy and Rory don't wake up," he whispered. "I forgot until now that they were here."

River rolled her eyes, "Sweetie, we've made more noise than this, and they've never woken up before. Well..." she was about to contradict herself when the Doctor shushed her again.

"But I definitely don't want them waking up for _this_," he emphasized quietly, pointing to the front door. River raised her eyebrows.

"Go on," he mouthed. "Open the door."

River glanced at the door, intrigued. Just before she opened it she hesitated. Now what could be out there that would make the Doctor so emphatic about Amy and Rory not waking up?

Shrugging, she tugged on both of the handles.


	2. First Doctor

**Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Doctor Who or this wouldn't be on fanfiction**

**Author's Note: I'm less familiar with the first Doctor than I am with the others.**

"Doctor!" she yelled back. "This is London!"

"I know," she heard him say. "I lied."

"Early1960's it looks like," she told him.

"Correct," he affirmed as he entered her line of vision. "And also one of the most horrifying days of my life."

"What?"

"Go out there and just watch," the Doctor said dejectedly. "But no funny business! And positively no – I say no – spoilers!"

River frowned, confused. "Doctor, just what are you..."

"Get out there and I'll explain afterward," the Doctor said. "I promise. Maybe."

"Aren't you coming?" River asked, her eyes flickering between the Doctor and the world outside, trying to grasp his plan.

"I am," the Doctor said with smile, but his heart wasn't into it. "I was. And please try not to terrify me."

"What?" River asked yet again. Suddenly she found herself being pushed out the Tardis. The doors shut with a bang behind her.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" she demanded. She glared at the Tardis doors, hoping her gaze would reach him. As she examined the sunny street, she contemplated her situation. She _could_ force her way back inside. The Doctor had never been good at keeping her out, she reminisced with a slight smile. She could even teleport herself inside since she was still wearing her vortex manipulator, but she decided she didn't really want to.

With vague interest, she peered around. It was a fairly average street (for London in the 1960's). It was hot enough to be summer, for sure, and the crowds were down to a minimum. Normal, considering this appeared to be a residential area.

Behind her, the Tardis went invisible.

River turned partially, now even more curious. Now why in the universe would the Doctor be worried when there was already a perception filter to distract curious eyes?

River looked up as someone made a banging noise. It was very loud and sounded as though someone tipped over a pile of wind chimes. It came from down the alley that led to the scrapyard.

"Are you all right, Grandfather?" she heard a girl ask.

"Quiet, Susan, we don't want them to find us."

As River glanced down the alley, she was amused to see an old man and a teenage girl peeking out from behind the gate that announced "I.M. Foreman, Scrap Merchant, 76 Totter's Lane".

"If you're trying to hide," River said loudly, "you aren't doing a very good job of it."

She laughed as the old man unsuccessfully pulled himself and his granddaughter behind the double gate. It was only after he had shut the large doors that he realized he'd trapped his tailcoat between them.

River's smile only widened as she heard him curse the universe rather loudly. By the time Susan got to reopening the doors to save her grandfather's dignity, River was already at the them, ready to pounce.

"Well, Doctor, I didn't know what to expect – but it certainly wasn't you," River said.

The younger (but quite older-looking) version of the Doctor huffed, "You aren't going to fool me woman! Well guess what? I'm not going with you. We've only been here four days and I'm not about to let you lot drag me back."

River laughed. "And what makes you think you could stop me?"

"So there _are_ more of you, are there?" the Doctor sniffed, and he peered behind River, as if expecting an army of Time Lords to pop out from behind the corners.

"Just me," River reassured him.

The dark-haired teen raised her eyebrows. "Really? If you're by yourself, then how are you expecting to get us back to Gallifrey?"

The girl sounded so genuine that River almost reassessed her opinion of the Doctor. Apparently the Gallifreyans had as much trouble dealing with their rogue citizen as the various villains he met, and _this_ was even before he'd done much traveling.

"You misunderstood me," River told the pair. "I couldn't take you back Gallifrey even if I wanted to."

She was surprised to see the Doctor roll his eyes. _Still just as immature as ever_, she thought with a sigh.

"Like I'd fall for that... ahem... whatever-your-name-is," the Doctor stumbled, but then he regained his lecture-tone voice and continued, "I felt that Tardis land! I know the telepathy link of a Time Lord anywhere. And I tell you, we aren't going."

He attempted to slam the door, but River's stiletto got in the way.

"Oh, sweetie..." she slurred, "If you wanted me to chase you, you could've just said."

"I beg your pardon?" the Doctor asked. He looked indignant at the fact that his door-slamming had been cut off. "You really are the most aggravating child."

"And you really are young, aren't you?" River declared, not to anyone in particular.

They had a staring contest.

"Who are you?" Susan demanded, interrupting River's fun.

River gave the Doctor's granddaughter a softer smile than the Cheshire grin she'd been aiming at the Doctor. "No one important, dear. Not yet anyway."

"Is the high council really that upset that we left Gallifrey?" Susan asked, looking worried.

River said, "Of course they're upset – but then again, Doctor upsets everyone so I don't think you need worry."

The Doctor took a step closer to River and examined her facial expressions closely. He inquired slowly, "Am I right to assume, then, that you are _not_ here to take us back?"

"You've assumed correctly, Doctor," River said. "And don't worry, that happens often enough to keep you out of fatal trouble."

The Doctor didn't seem to hear her. He was too busy hugging Susan and looking extremely relieved. River watched the scene with interest. Her Doctor was hardly ever that open with his feelings. This Doctor put on masks, sure, but they weren't part of his personality... yet.

He even turned and shook River's hand.

"Well then," he said, his white hair bristling around him, "I wish you the best of luck in your travels. Would you like some tea?"

River smiled at him fondly this time, "Better not. I left someone back in my Tardis. Sweetie is probably 'fixing' things he's not supposed to. He does that when he's nervous."

"So does Grandfather," Susan said with a grin. River couldn't help flashing a knowing smile back.

Before she slipped out the gate, the Doctor asked her, "So how did you manage to get a time-travel license? I presume that you have one?"

River poked her head of curls around the door. She laughed. "Never, sweetie."

As she walked down the alleyway though the piles of old clocks and chairs, she heard the Doctor declare, "Well, it's nice to know that I'm not the only cock-eyed renegade running around, eh?"

River pondered his closing statement and – quite solemnly – agreed.


	3. Discussion

The Doctor looked surprised when River walked though the Tardis doors without any help from him.

"But it was locked!" he proclaimed. "And invisible! That just isn't fair."

"Just because you forget where you park her, doesn't mean everyone else has to," she teased.

The Doctor sniffed, and wiped his greasy hands on a rag. So he _had_ been working on something he wasn't supposed to, River noticed with amusement.

"Well?" the Doctor asked.

"Yes?" she asked innocently.

"What did you think of me?"

"Wrinkly, immature, and _so_ like you," she quipped.

"Wrinkly!" the Doctor exclaimed. "That's the best description you could come up with?"

"Well, sweetie, you weren't exactly the epitome of youth," River reminded him.

The Doctor scowled. "I prefer to think of wrinkles as 'wisdom symbols'."

"'Wisdom symbols'," River repeated him, eyebrows raised.

The Doctor sniffed. "Yes. Wisdom symbols. I think they make me look wise."

"Well, I'm won't be the one to ruin your fantasy, then," River said. "Instead, I'm going to ask you: Why on earth did you take me there? Usually even you try to avoid crossing your own time stream."

"Well," the Doctor explained, "it wouldn't exactly create a paradox if I remembered the whole thing."

"So you actually remember that event?" River asked.

"Of course!" the Doctor said. Then he admitted, "Actually, I didn't remember anything until three days ago, when I just happened to be thinking about you... not for any particular reason at all, I hope you know." The Doctor's face turned pink.

River laughed at this, but didn't comment. It must have been the kiss. That fateful kiss that had been his first and her last – kind of. Actually she had been very, very relieved to find that older versions of him would still be coming to see her. In fact, an older version of himself popped in that same night, only to find her tear-streaked self huddled up on the bed of her cell.

The Doctor, the too-young Doctor, cleared his throat. "And River? You know what I realized? I've seen you in every single one of my regenerations. Every blasted one."

"Really?" River wondered with interest. "Does that mean you're actually giving me permission to travel around and see all the other yous? No 'we'll ruin the space-time continuum' speech?"

The Doctor looked indignant. "I've never given that speech!" he protested. "Not to you anyways."

"You will do then," she promised. "Are you going to take me see another one tonight? Right now? Maybe that rather good-looking version of yourself... the blonde one? With the celery? Oh what I could do with that celery."

The Doctor blanched. Probably from a bad memory. "I'm feeling rather inclined to just take you to that moon with the cheese..."

"Can't sweetie," River told him sweetly. "We were banned from the solar system."

"Time travel," the Doctor pointed out.

"Your really are nervous, aren't you?" River asked, amused.

The Doctor scowled in her direction. "You were very... you," he said, "in every one of those situations. Very scary. I can't believe I never recognized you."

"I was frightfully well-behaved towards the first you," River told him. "You should be grateful."

The Doctor grudgingly admitted that she hadn't created any paradoxes. "But," he proclaimed, "the fact that you even showed up very nearly gave my a heart attack – two of them in fact."

"I noticed you were edgy," River said simply.

"Edgy doesn't even cover it. After I borrowed... all right, _stole_," he modified after River gave him a look, "my Tardis and ran off with Susan, you have to understand that I really wasn't all that good at flying her."

"Still aren't, sweetie."

The Doctor ignored her. "Frankly," he gave River a pointed look, "I was worried the Time Lords would be right on my tail and would use any means necessary to bring me back. And after all that had happened..." he grimaced at the memories, but didn't give any details, "...let's just say it wasn't the best of situations."

"So when you felt another Tardis landing nearby..." River continued for him.

"...I was rather panicked, yes," the Doctor agreed, his eyes on the floor.

River informed him,"Susan seemed rather confident that you could evade me."

The Doctor looked up and gave River a small smile. "I do tend to give out that feeling of self-assurance, don't I?"

"It's why I like you, sweetie," River affirmed with a smile.

The Doctor straightened, and said with that special smile, "I also happen to be brilliant."

"Sometimes," River agreed. "Sometimes. When it counts."

The Doctor's smile only widened, and he spun around to face the console again. "I'm don't think I'll mind much taking you to see the next me," he told her, suddenly enthusiastic. "He inspired my current good-looks, you know."

"Joy of joys," River said with an exaggerated sigh.


	4. Wrong Doctor

**Disclaimer: I really don't own Doctor Who. I seriously don't**

**Author's Note: This chapter's a little long, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm dragging on...**

"Doctor! This is Earth _again_!" River shouted back into the Tardis. "Did you ever go anywhere else?"

"Of course I did," the Doctor said with a sniff. "But this is what I remember, so this is where you're going."

River poked her head outside the Tardis again. "So where are you?"

"I a hat shop! _The_ hat shop," the Doctor proclaimed. He looked positively giddy. "My favoritest hat shop ever. And honestly, if I didn't think I would disrupt things, I would most definitely come with you... but oh well. Can't have everything!"

"Doctor," River said with a disbelieving smile, "I've seen your hat room. If you put another couple hat stands in there it would be denser than the amazon rainforest."

"I know! Isn't it brilliant?" the Doctor said enthusiastically, rubbing his hands together. "In fact, I think I'll go there now... indulge myself a bit."

"If you're wearing that yellow hat with the blue feathers and pink boa on it when I get back... well, you know what'll happen," River patted her hip, the hip where a gun holster usually rested. It wasn't there (more importantly, neither was the gun), but the Doctor knew that even if he couldn't see it, she probably had one on her. Somewhere...

He gulped and stepped back. "Right... no yellowy, feathery, boa hats."

"Glad you understand, sweetie," River said with a sideways smile. "So now where's this extraordinary hat shop?"

The Doctor shuffled to the front doorstep and peeked his head out of the Tardis. He pointed left. "Three blocks down. Take a right. Erm... I believe it's the fourth shop on the right side of the street, can't be sure. I was involved in an incident where one of those shops were vaporized/blown up/whatever... but the my timeline's all fuzzy at the moment... can't remember when I did that."

"What's it called?" River asked.

"'Hat Emporium'!" the Doctor informed. "I know, bit of a rubbish name but I couldn't get the owner to change it to 'The Most Magnificent Hat Place in the Universe'."

"Mm-hm," River acknowledged, but she appeared to be focused on something else. "I'll be seeing you, then."

"Right!" the Doctor exclaimed. "And if you come back and I'm not here – check the hat room."

"And how am I supposed to find you in there?" River asked.

The Doctor frowned, but then he admitted with a slight bit of chagrin, "Old girl likes you. You can probably just get her to alert me."

River smiled. He really was adorable when he was jealous. Before she could stop herself she kissed him on the cheek. The Doctor wrinkled his nose and his ears turned bright red. River smile widened. Oh, heavens! She would follow that man through hell and back.

But she turned away and stepped out of the Tardis. Even when she raised her hand in farewell, she didn't turn around. "See you in a tad, sweetie!" she called.

"Bye River," the Doctor said quietly, watching her departing figure. It was a moment before he realized he was touching his cheek. With a sniff, his hand dropped to his side. "That woman..." he muttered.

River made her way down the long street. She didn't think this was London – there was a different feeling to it... a smaller feeling maybe.

She stopped when she realized that the intersection the Doctor had told her to turn at had been blocked off – so had half of the storefronts.

Just as she was about to duck under the tape barrier and turn to walk towards the Doctor's hat shop, a whirring, gadget-like noise captured her attention. There, on the opposite corner of the intersection, was the Doctor himself, marching purposefully down the road. He wasn't alone. Scampering behind him was a doe-eyed blonde, a pretty little thing, River had to admit. Some things never change. But... this was new. Also stepping in time behind him were a pair of soldiers. Their guns were in their holsters but they were openly displayed.

River smirked and prepared to cross the blocked-off area.

"There we go," the Doctor said confidently as the gizmo he was carrying began to beep. He was white-haired again, but this time there was more of it, curled slightly and positioned as if carefully styled. River had all the of the Doctor's faces memorized, and this was most definitely _not_ second Doctor.

She watched as his step slowed as the beeping became louder and more intense.

"Nearly there, gentlemen," the Doctor announced. "I would step lightly if I were you – literally. I don't want to hear any stomping. The vibrations will alert them."

The soldiers that had been following him looked at each other. Then they changed their pace from marching to a 'quiet' walk. The Doctor visibly sighed. Apparently that was as good as it was going to get. The girl behind him, on the other hand, had begun to tiptoe.

"Way to show them how it's done, Jo," he told the girl. She smiled at his praise.

"But why aren't you walking differently, Doctor?" Jo half-whispered.

"Because I'm naturally light on my feet, dear girl," the Doctor said in his normal voice.

That's when they heard it, the dreadful thumping of high heels, marching towards them. River decided she had been watching long enough.

"Doesn't look like you're shopping for hats," she said.

The Doctor narrowed his eyes and he glared at her. "Madam," he said, "I think it would be better if you backed away... slowly and quietly."

"Oooh!" River exclaimed, she was examining the gadget the Doctor was holding. "What are you doing with one of these!"

The Doctor hugged the device possessively and ordered, "Leave at once! You're endangering the entire street!"

The two soldiers put their and on their pistols, ready to draw them if necessary. "Doctor John Smith gave an order, ma'am," one of them said. "I suggest you take it, or prepare to face the consequences."

River looked at them with wide eyes. "But I'd only like to know what's going on," she said innocently.

Jo spoke up, "Well you can't – not unless you're working for UNIT. And try stepping more carefully won't you? We're trying not to create any vibrations."

The Doctor put a hand on Jo's shoulder. "That's enough Jo, thank you."

River refocused her attention on the machine. "Vibrations... well, with you four crashing around, I'm afraid your mission might be slightly a bit compromised."

The Doctor clenched his teeth. He was vexed with her, she could tell. Apparently this particular version of him was quite the authoritarian.

As the machine beeped a little more loudly, the Doctor looked down at it, then back at River, who was in the way.

"I don't have time for this," and he tried to move past her. She stepped in front of him, blocking his path.

"Not just yet, sweetie," River informed him. "I think we've make quite enough noise already."

"What are you blabbering on about, woman?" he demanded. "And... I can't believe I'm going to say this... you two men," he motioned at the soldiers, "remove the lady, please."

The two soldiers immediately moved to comply, when River brought her foot up. They froze.

"You wouldn't dare..." the Doctor breathed.

River rolled her eyes. "Oh Doctor... you really can be hilarious," and with that she slammed her foot into the pavement. The stiletto heel made a resonating noise that caused the soldiers to wince.

"What have you done?" the Doctor stared at her in wide-eyed horror.

"You're looking for a creature, right?" she asked. "Attracted to vibrations and is either invisible or small or underground... so why not let it come to us? Really, it would be slightly a bit easier and a lot less footwork. Walking in these heels all day isn't exactly a cake walk."

"But..." the Doctor spluttered. Jo was looking at her mentor, realizing this was the most flustered she had ever seen him. "Who are you?" he managed to demand.

"Ida Crane, work for the UNIT relay program,' River said with a smile.

The Doctor gave her a look. "Well, Ms. Crane, I must say that in all my years... I have never worked with someone quite so idiotic."

Ouch. This Doctor really was a bit pompous, wasn't he? River folded her arms and gestured at the beeping gadget. "Just watch," she told him.

The Doctor ignored her. He turned to the two soldiers, who were still watching River, ready to draw their weapons. "Okay boys," the Doctor got their attention. "Get into position; they're coming."

The soldiers looked startled. "But... this isn't the proper environment."

"Too bad!" the Doctor proclaimed, with a heavy glare at River. He was about to add something else, but the beeping turn into one, long alarm.

"Oi, that's an awful noise," Jo said, clapping her hands over her ears.

"They're here!" the Doctor shouted. The soldiers moved into a back-to-back position, and they were holding small metal boxes that they had taken out of their pockets.

River looked around, interested. She couldn't see anything, but she did have her stun gun ready behind her back, just in case. She would have grabbed the ray gun, but the Doctor really didn't like her killing things.

The pavement around them began to bubble. The boxes the soldiers were holding began to hum. Apparently they were the only things keeping the pavement directly under their feet in a solid form.

Out of the liquified street rose multiple three-foot figures.

River watched them in fascination. She'd never encountered them before.

"What are they called?" she asked the Doctor.

To her surprise, he answered her. "Frovilia," he whispered harshly. "Didn't they brief you before sending you over?"

"I'm on holiday," she said honestly. "I was headed towards the hat shop."

The Doctor turned his head to briefly glance at his favorite store. He allowed himself a smile. "Yes, I'm rather fond of the place myself."

"Doctor," one of the soldiers hissed. "The others aren't here yet and its doubtful that anything's been set up... what's the plan?"

"Not dying," the Doctor said seriously.

The soldier gulped and went back to watching the army of little people pop out of the ground. Although, covered in all that dirt made it difficult to tell what they looked like.

River asked, "Do you mind shutting that thing off? I do believe that girl of yours is looking green."

"Right..." he replied absent-mindedly. River could tell that he was trying to cook up a plan.

"Here," River said, taking the gadget from him. "I'll do it."

The annoying and loud alarm was cut off after River fiddled with several of the knobs.

"Thank you," Jo whispered, and the hands covering her ears dropped to her sides.

Without the alarm it was eerily quiet, with only the sound of their breathing and the churning gravel.

"Plan yet, Doctor?" River asked. "I think they're almost out."

"I will not point out the fact that this is entirely your own fault, madam," the Doctor said with a sniff. "So if you die toady just know who's to blame."

River response was an eye-roll and, "Don't be dramatic, dear."

The Doctor harrumphed.

After what seemed to be hours, the last of the two dozen Frovilia completely emerged from the ground. Just a little before this, River had been delighted to observe that the aliens weren't jut covered in dirt, but it seemed that they actually _were_ dirt. This became more apparent as one of them moved, and their arms began to crumble. This made River wonder whether they would last very long above ground.

"You know, sir," the brown-haired soldier began nervously, "I thought you said there were only four of them."

"I also told you that they were very fast breeders," the Doctor said simply. Then he called out to the aliens, "May I address your leader?"

"I am here, Time Lord," a gravelly voice came from the back.

"Oh, so you recognize me," the Doctor said.

"We felt your vibrations."

"Do you plan on remaining on this planet?" Doctor asked, getting straight to the point. River heard a hard edge to his voice. If the Frovilia were smart, they would tread carefully – more carefully than Jo Grant's tiptoeing.

"The conditions of this planet are paragon," the leader replied in his grated voice. River honestly could tell if the dirt that was moving was his mouth or just another part of his physiology.

The Doctor was grave. "You realize I can't let you stay."

"Concern for the humans, Time Lord?" the creature rumbled. Could have been laughter.

"They were here first," the Doctor said simply.

"Those who interfere with our breeding grounds will be crushed."

The Doctor didn't look impressed. "Then why choose an inhabited planet?" he asked.

"We crashed."

The Doctor sighed. "I will be willing to offer you a way back home."

"Our home is crowded. We came looking for new settlement and we have found it."

"Not for sale," the Doctor said, stepping towards the being, but taking care not to step beyond the boundary of their protected island of pavement.

"How will you stop us?" the dirt creature laughed again. The rest of its kind rustled, preparing for a conflict.

"How are you with technology?" the Doctor asked River under his breath.

"Fair," she said. "But you've always been better, I admit."

"Do you understand the scanner you're holding?" the Doctor asked softly.

"It's a life-form scanner," River said. "But I'm assuming you need something else?"

The Doctor nodded. "Their weakness is water. Particularly when they are out of the ground, susceptible to the elements."

"And?"

The Doctor nodded towards the closest building. It was an aquarium. And the water circulator was on the side of the building facing them.

"Explosion?" River asked with a grin. "Seems a bit messy."

The Doctor pursed his lips, looking grumpy about the whole thing.

"Explosions I can do," River assured him.

"Don't doubt it," the Doctor said.

"Anyone in there?" River asked after a moment. "Minus the fish...?"

"This street was cleared yesterday," the Doctor reassured her.

"Distract them, then," River nodded towards the aliens, it appeared they didn't appreciate the quiet conversation.

"Right," the Doctor muttered. He cleared his throat. "Do you plan to leave any land for the humans?" he asked, drawing the attention back to him and away from River, who was rewiring the life-form scanner into something slightly more deadly.

River didn't listen to much of the conversation. She _was_ good at building bombs, but she usually didn't have to build them in such a short period of time, and using materials from a life-scanner no less. Really, she kind of enjoyed the pressure, she admitted to herself. Probably why she liked the Doctor so much.

Just as she put on the finishing touches, she caught the leader's gravelly voice order, "Grind them to dirt!"

"Ms. Crane!" the Doctor demanded.

"Here," she quickly handed the Doctor the most thrown-together bomb she had ever made.

"This is one you need to shoot at to work," the Doctor examined her work, surprised.

"Lucky I'm a good shot, then," River told the Doctor, taking out her ray gun (she gets to use it after all). "Just throw it at the wall, and I'll shoot it right before it hits it."

The Doctor looked as though she were mad – apparently he didn't have much confidence in her.

"Doctor!" Jo screamed as a dart barely missed her head. The chaos had begun.

The soldiers tried firing their guns, but the bullets that hit the aliens did no more than spray dirt everywhere. And since the creatures were connected to the ground, all they had to do was scoop up some of the pavement and pack it in where the bullets had hit.

"Are you sure?" the Doctor asked River, looking rushed.

River nodded with a thin smile. "Always."

Just as a pair of darts hit the soldiers, the Doctor hurled the bomb at the wall. River was impressed. Definitely more athletic than her current Doctor.

Using all of the training she had received, River pointed the gun and shot.

By the time the building exploded, the Doctor was already shielding Jo protectively. Some of the debris managed to land a whole hundred feet away from the sight. The water circulator, plus whatever giant tank had been on the other side, flooded the street.

As soon as the water hit the Frovilia, their legs were eroded away. Their screams sounded like gravel in a tumbler. Both the Doctor and River winced at the sound, and Jo just looked confused.

By the time the water stopped coming, the Frovilia were completely gone, scattered and unrepairable. Plus, the pavement was hard again. Definitely uneven and covered with flopping fish... but still.

"Will they be all right?" Jo asked the Doctor, who was examining the unconscious soldiers.

"I think so, Jo," the Doctor told her kindly. "The poison wasn't meant to kill. It was meant to knock us out so they could drag us underground."

"But you were hit too!" Jo exclaimed. "I saw you! Shouldn't you be knocked out as well?"

The Doctor chuckled, "Of course not, dear girl. Now, why don't you go and try to save some of those fish? No need for more casualties than necessary."

"But... what do I do with them?" Jo asked, looking around at all the fish.

"Half the aquarium is still intact," the Doctor pointed out. "And I think I saw some buckets by the gardening store."

Jo nodded once, then went off to do as the Doctor requested.

With a sigh, the Doctor stood up, straightened, and faced River Song. "If I weren't so impressed, I'd be upset," the Doctor told her honestly, then he shook her hand.

"That's sounds about right," River said. She looked at the partially destroyed aquarium (part of it was still on fire, but it was burning down) and the debris that littered the street. "Just curious... but what would you have done if I hadn't come along?"

"I had planned to find where they were, then have the Calvary come in with barrels of water, but I realized while I was playing the diplomat that that wouldn't have worked," the Doctor admitted. "They had sensed us even without you clicking all over the ground in those ridiculous shoes."

"You like them," River said frankly, shifting her weight so that her shin and foot were more visible.

The Doctor chuckled. "Just maybe, Ms. Crane."

River smiled broadly. "See you later, Doctor."

"If I need a weapons expert, I'll look for you," the Doctor told her, probably not serious.

River laughed, and turned away. As she walked through the debris-covered intersection, splashing water as she went, River gave the hat shop a passing glance. The Doctor's second reincarnation obviously wasn't there. This probably meant that she'd be back... about ten years ago.


	5. The Hat Room and A Spare Chapter

**Disclaimer: don't own Dr Who**

**Author's note: I just _had_ to write a scene about the hat room... and thank you reviewers!**

"Doctor!" River called for the third time. Really, his hat room was worse than the man himself.

But apparently calling out hadn't been a total loss... the Doctor tumbled out of the the maze of hat stands a moment later, tripping over a rung so that he fell face-first to the floor. River noticed with concern that his face was slightly blue.

With raised eyebrows she asked, "All right, Doctor?"

The Doctor moaned and picked himself off the ground. "Never..." he gasped. "Never try on that hat I won from the Atraxi in a cricket game."

So that's why he hadn't been answering. River patted his shoulder. "I don't know why you insist on keeping that thing."

The Doctor coughed, and he massaged his throat. "It looks cool," he defended himself.

"And I suppose you also forgot that it was part of the assassination plot to kill Julius Caesar, which is why you had to win it in the first place."

The Doctor sniffed. He tried to come up with a retort, but the only hing he managed was, "So? What's it to you?"

River smiled seductively, and she placed another hand on his shoulder. In a low voice she said, "Because I think you taste better when you're alive, sweetie."

The Doctor, in his wide-eyed nervousness, stepped backwards, only run into the rack of hats behind him. There was a banging noise, and one by one, every hat stand in the room was laying on its side... except for the three thirty foot tall ones, of course. The fifteen foot stand was the last one to fall over, and because all of the hats on it happened to be metal, it ended the noise with a rather satisfying finale of clashing and booming.

"Like dominoes..." River said with wonder, looking at the mess around her.

The Doctor took advantage of the distraction and stepped out of her reach.

Straightening his bow-tie, the Doctor mentioned, "And I'll have you know... Julius Caesar most definitely would _not_ have survived that."

"_You_ almost didn't," River pointed out.

"But I did," the Doctor reminded her, looking extremely smug.

River rolled her eyes. "When you get to reorganizing all this," she gestured to the mountain of hats and hat stand, "I want you to put a warning label on that hat. In fact I think I'll supervise you while you do it."

The Doctor pouted. There was no way he was going to tell her that there _had_ been a warning label on it.

Instead he sighed. "How come when you're with me, everything around seems to crumble?"

River just laughed. "And I thought it was the other way around..."


	6. Second Doctor Finally

**Disclaimer: DO. NOT. OWN.**

"What do you mean I wasn't shopping for hats?" the Doctor asked, trying hard not to raise his voice. He really, really didn't want Amy or Rory waking up. Amy in particular... she would pester him until he was half-dead if she knew where he'd been taking River.

"Just what I said, my love," River said, strutting in front of him, her shoes making an echoing noise along the corridor from the hat room. Poor hat room...

"Voice!" Doctor reminded her, his hands gesturing that she minimalize it.

"You aren't listening," River scolded. "The you I met was most definitely not your second self – for one thing, he was wearing a cravat, not a bow-tie."

The Doctor pouted. "Then which one was he?" he finally asked.

"Third," River replied with certainty.

"How do you know?" the Doctor asked incredulously. Then he looked at her suspiciously. "You haven't already gone and met all of me have you? Because that would be cheating..."

River smiled sweetly. "It's worse, sweetie – your Tardis let me look into some of your files."

The Doctor's eyes opened in horror. Oh the things she must have found... He shuddered visibly. "What did you see?" he demanded.

River smiled wickedly. "I've already had that conversation with you once, sweetie, I'm not having it again."

"But _I_ haven't had it!" he pointed out.

"Sorry," she said, not sounding sorry at all.

"I consider this to be most unfair," the Doctor said sulkily.

"Poor Doctor," River dripped with fake sympathy. "Now take me to the proper time, won't you? Or give me the coordinates and _I'll_ drive."

"I can do it!" the Doctor insisted.

"I'm not stopping you," River promised.

!~!~!~!~!~!

River checked the scanner. "You've landed us in 1966, May16th. Is that the right date?"

The Doctor threw his hands in the air. "Yes! Why would I land anywhere else?"

"You do have an amazing track record," River said.

The Doctor smiled, puffing out his chest. "Why thank you. I am quite... wait a minute. Was that an insult?"

River smile widened.

"Ri-ver!" he complained.

River sashayed to the door of the Tardis, and gave a small wave before exiting.

The Doctor tried very hard to frown.

!~!~!~!~!~!

For the second time that day (though technically it was night in Stormcage) River found herself standing at the intersection of the streets 2nd and Scotland. This time, it looked more like it was supposed to, with cars puttering past and people walking along the sidewalks.

The aquarium looked new, River noticed as an afterthought.

The Doctor's store was easy to spot. With "Hat Emporium" in bolded letters across a giant top hat (that hadn't been there in the future), River didn't have to do more than glance at it before walking in. Plus, it probably helped that she'd been there before.

A little bell jingled as she pushed open the door. River was almost surprised when she walked in. It looked like a normal store – a normal store full of hats. She supposed that she had been expecting something that resembled the Doctor's hat room. But that would be silly. Who, in their right mind, would go into a store like that? Instead of being on hat stands, examples of the hats were displayed on plastic heads and underneath were boxes containing various sizes. Completely organized. Women's hats dominated one corner of the store, while men's dominated another. There was even a section for children.

River frowned. She couldn't spot the Doctor anywhere.

Briefly she wondered if she had gotten the right store.

There were only two other customers in the store. A young lady was browsing hats that would probably go well with tea parties, and there was a gentleman in the back being fitted for a nice evening hat.

River stepped a little further into the store, wondering if she would have to check between shelves. That's when she heard faint voices coming from the back of the store.

"...get her, won't you?"

"VICTORIA!" a young man's voice shouted. He had only shouted one word but his accent was decisively Scottish. The young woman in the lady's section looked up.

The other voice got a little louder as it lectured, "That isn't what I meant, Jamie. If I wanted you to shout I would've given you a bullhorn."

"WHAT IS IT, JAMIE?" the young woman called back, she put down the hat she'd been trying on.

"See?" River heard Jamie talk back.

The other man grumbled and she heard Jamie laugh as he gave in and called, "VICTORIA, YOU NEED TO BE IN THIS SECTION!"

"JUST A MINUTE!"

The man who had been taking down measurements for the gentleman's head stopped what he was doing, and went to the door that led to what appeared to be the storage room. He didn't shout, but he was whispering harshly enough so that everyone in the store could hear him.

"Doctor, this is not stadium; it's a professional business. Control yourself and your companions or I'm kicking you out," the man hissed.

The Doctor's voice came back. "Oh, come along, Frank. Be reasonable. I'm your best customer."

The man opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it. In the end, he came out grumbling, "Just _don't _scare my customers away."

Frank was alerted of his duties as the man in the corner cleared his throat, looking slightly annoyed at the fact that he had just witnessed such an unprofessional scene. With a sigh, the store manager took the tape measure out of his pocket, and tried to ignore the fact that there were adults with five-year-old mentalities in his back room.

With Frank busy, River moved in on her target.

The girl Victoria, appeared to have forgotten the Doctor's order, because she had gone right back to trying on hats.

When River sauntered into the room, the Doctor was telling Jamie, "Oh, my giddy aunt! No. Definitely not. Here, try this one instead."

The Doctor perked up as he heard a woman's footsteps and grabbed a couple hats that he'd laid aside. "Oh, Victoria, I found some hats... you're not Victoria," the Doctor looked at River with a bemused frown. He lowered the two hats he'd been holding in her direction. River smiled appreciatively at the headgear. These were definitely more of the Doctor's style. No wonder they were in the back room.

Jamie, realizing that a stranger was watching him, quickly removed the ridiculous hat the Doctor had picked out for him and hid it behind his... kilt. River raised her eyebrows. She remembered the Doctor mentioning the Scottish boy that he'd traveled with, but he'd never mentioned the Scottish wardrobe. How fun.

"Who are you?" Jamie asked, Scottish accent thick.

The Doctor nodded in agreement at Jamie's question. Apparently he was rather territorial when it came to the back room of his favorite hat shop.

"Just browsing," she answered airily. "I heard voices back here and I just _had_ to see. The selection in the front is absurdly boring compared to all this." Which was perfectly true.

The Doctor licked his lips. He couldn't kick out someone who'd just complimented his hats. He cleared his throats. "So you are in need of a hat, eh?"

There was no way River would let the Doctor choose a hat for her. Though it might be interesting... so she heard herself say, "Oh, most definitely."

"You've come to the right place then," the Doctor told her, looking satisfied with her offering.

"Apparently," River said under her breath, and she got a better look around the room. Half of it was an ordinary storage room, full of dusty boxes and stacks of papers. The half of the room that the Doctor occupied, however, was very reminiscent of the Doctor's hat room (before it had been knocked over). The hats were all very obnoxious, or at least ones that wouldn't be worn by normal British citizens. The only difference seemed to be the way they were stored – on heads or shelves rather than hat stands.

"If you require an opinion, let me know," the Doctor told her. "I consider myself a bit of hat connoisseur."

River smiled, amused, and her smile only widened as she heard Jamie snort.

After a moment Jamie exclaimed, "Hey Doctor!" tapping the Doctor's shoulder. "What about this one?"

"Hm? Oh no, far too plain for a Ramonpo party," the Doctor said, after glancing at the fez on his companion's head.

Jamie looked disappointed. Apparently he liked the plain fez much better than the hat that resembled a polar bear head. With a sigh he set it back on the shelf and went around to the other aisle to browse.

After a quick glance at Jamie, to make sure his attention was elsewhere, the Doctor picked up the fez and placed it on his own head. He nodded approvingly at his reflection. River narrowed her eyes.

"What would you suggest for a masquerade ball?" she asked, interrupting his consideration.

He turned to her, fez and bow tie radiating their "coolness" on this younger version of the Doctor. River felt a feeling similar to homesickness rush over her when she fully realized the similarities. The only thing really missing was the familiarity she and the Doctor had. After a moment, she shook her head. Not yet. She mustn't think about that.

"A masquerade ball?" the Doctor inquired. "Is there a theme?"

River walked over to the shelves of hats and looked around. "Tropical rainforest," she finally said. That would leave the Doctor plenty of hats to choose from.

The Doctor rubbed his hands together. "Lovely theme," he asserted. "I think I can find something around here that will work..."

"Doctor?"

"Yes Jamie?" the Doctor acknowledged distantly, distracted by River's request for help.

"Doctor! That was my hat!" Jamie exclaimed, forgetting what he'd been about to ask. He had stood up wearing a bolero covered in gold sequins.

"Eh?"

"That hat you're wearing, I liked that one," Jamie said, frustrated.

The Doctor looked in the mirror and examined the fez decorating his head. "It doesn't matter. It's far to plain for a Ramonpo party."

"Then why are you wearing it?" Jamie asked incredulously.

The Doctor turned and faced the young man. "Because it looks good on me," he said, nose in the air.

River's hand twitched to reach for her gun.

Jamie was silent for a moment. Then he muttered, "It does not, either."

The Doctor's head snapped to face Jamie. "What was that?"

Jamie admonished, "It doesn't look any better on you than it does on me."

"Well, I already told you that you can't wear it to the party, so why does it matter?" the Doctor asked, eyebrows raised.

Jamie couldn't think of a good answer to that one, so he just pouted. The flashy bolero ruined the effect.

"What party?" River inquired.

The Doctor backtracked. "Ehh... just a party with some eccentrics who think it insulting if you don't have your head covered."

"It's not a religious group is it?" River asked, playing with him. "I've never known a religious group" _on earth_, she added mentally, "that requires such... unconventional head covering."

"Er, it's more of a family tradition," the Doctor said hurriedly. He picked a random hat off the shelf, "What about this hat, then?"

"Really?" River asked, ignoring his attempt to change the subject. "Are they your family?"

"No..."

"That Scottish boy's?"

"No."

"What about that girl... Victoria?" River asked.

"NO! They're just acquaintances who happen to be an eccentric, hat-wearing family," the Doctor said rather fiercely. "Now can we please refocus on the issue at hand?"

River tried to look doe-eyed and innocent. "Of course," she said sweetly.

The Doctor looked at her suspiciously.

River supposed that piece of acting had been a bit much. She shrugged it off. "So what hat were you suggesting?"

The Doctor looked at the patchwork quilt hat he'd picked up to distract her. It obviously hadn't been a first choice. "Er... not this one," he said. "Not a hint of rain forest in it." And with that, he cast it back on the shelf.

"Doctor?" Jamie called again.

"What is it, Jamie?" the Doctor asked, probably a little more harshly than he meant.

"Victoria. Where is she?"

The Doctor turned around and scanned the room. "Probably in the front," he answered with a sigh.

"Shall I go get her, since we can't yell anymore?" Jamie asked, a hint of enthusiasm in the question.

The Doctor shooed him on.

"Right!" Jamie said dutifully, and marched back into the store.

River watched him leave. "Does he have a crush on that girl?" she asked.

The Doctor looked at her. "A what?"

River laughed. "You know perfectly well what I'm talking about, Doctor."

The Doctor made a weird expression. Finally he said, "Well, how should I know? I'm too old to think about the romantic inclinations of my companions. Besides, that's between them – none of my business, I should think."

River regarded the place where Jamie had exited. "But you have to admit that it's an interesting concept."

"What is?"

"Romance."

"I wouldn't know."

River turned to the bow-tie wearing, hat-loving Doctor and nearly laughed out loud. The man was a living romantic. Maybe he didn't often love a single person, but his love for the universe showed through in every theatrical flair he added to his performances, it ran through the very fibre of his being, and was often the source he called on when he needed people to pay attention.

"What?" the Doctor asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious as she stared at him.

"Just considering what hat would look good on you," she said airily.

The Doctor blinked. "On me?" he asked. "I thought _you_ needed a hat."

"Oh I do," she lied smoothly. "But you need one, too, don't you? I thought we could help each other." Plus, it was never a good idea to let the Doctor pick his own hat.

The Doctor looked as though he he were thinking the exact opposite. He definitely didn't want anyone picking out hats for him. He was the the hat connoisseur, after all.

"I'm not sure that..." the Doctor trailed off as River clicked past him in her high heels. He sighed. It didn't look as though the flippant woman would listen to him. As if he didn't already have enough to worry about.

River picked up an orange and green top hat decorated with pine cones and held it up so she could compare it with the rest of the Doctor's outfit. "No," she said immediately, and tossed in a random pile.

"Remember," he called to her (she was getting rather far along the aisle), "I need something extravagant!"

As she was probably going to pick something entirely ridiculous, and not fit at all for the occasion, the Doctor went about looking at hats for both of them.

!~!~!~!~!~!

River wasn't surprised very often, but in this case, as she glanced down at her watch, she was. She'd spent the better part of an hour in a storage room for hats – _trying on_ hats. But of course, _he_ was there so it really shouldn't have been all that astonishing.

Jamie had managed to get a dismayed Victoria into the room after ten minutes of persuasion, but the Doctor barely acknowledged her arrival. Eventually the young girl had snuck out the door, back into the part of the shop that made sense. It only took Jamie a minute to notice she was gone, and with a flash of kilt, he was gone too.

So it was just her and the Doctor again.

"Here, my dear," the Doctor said, holding out a hat, "try on this one."

River did, just for the fun of it.

"It even fits," she crooned, picking at one of the fake tropical flowers that hung off of it.

The Doctor smiled proudly. That was the best thing she had said about any of the hats he'd suggested.

"Do you like that hat, Doctor?" River asked, noticing he was still wearing the hat she'd handed him several minutes ago.

The Doctor turned around and considered himself in the mirror. "I might have to modify it, but it could work."

River raised her eyebrows.

Then she heard a voice call her name.

"River!"

"Ri-ver!"

Oh, Doctor... she let out an exaggerated sigh and took the hat off her head. "Looks like my love's in a bit of a muddle," she told the younger Doctor, holding her hat out to him. "Probably been anxious for the last thirty minutes."

The Doctor looked at her, then at the hat in her hand.

"Aren't you going to get a hat?" he asked.

River checked herself, then slowly brought the hat to her side. "Of course, and I think I like your choice, Doctor," she told him. "I'll consider it."

"River!" the Doctor called again, this time more firmly.

She heard Frank reprimanding him for yelling.

"Yes, I know," she heard her Doctor reply, "we've been through this already."

River looked at the younger Doctor and smiled, "Well, good-bye, then. Good luck with your party."

As she walked towards the door the Doctor hurried after her. "Frank!" he called, surprising her.

Frank looked around the door and sighed. "Yes, Doctor?"

The Doctor presented River to him. "This young lady would like to purchase a hat. Put it on my tab, please."

Frank nodded at the Doctor, then he looked at River and the extremely colorful hat in her hands. "This way, ma'am," he said without any change in expression. She followed him to the counter with the cash register. The Doctor followed after them, apparently wanting to get the job done right. He practically ran into the older version of himself.

"Pardon me," he said politely, and stepped around the bemused Doctor.

"Quite all right," the older version said, sounding rather raspy.

"Are you with the girl?" River heard the Doctor ask.

Her Doctor responded with a cough and a small, "Yes I am."

"She's rather lively," the Doctor said, a hand on his waist as he regarded River. "I barely kept up with her... and in those shoes."

The Doctors examined River's high heels.

"Yes," her Doctor said, "I've been thinking about converting some of that energy into usable power but she won't let me try."

"It's not energy, my love," River said, coming up to the pair of them with a round hat box in her hands. "It's called burning passion." Then she winked.

"My friend, you're blushing," the younger Doctor accused himself.

The Doctor flinched and defended, "I most definitely am not. It's just... hot in here."

Both River and the younger Doctor raised their eyebrows.

The Doctor cleared his throat and said in a higher voice than normal, "Time to go."

River nodded, and lifted her hand in farewell. "Thank you, Doctor," she said honestly.

The Doctor nodded and sent her off with a knowing smile.

Before she and the Doctor left the hat shop, her Doctor turned back and called, "By the way, Doctor, I like your bow tie! Bow ties are cool. And the hat isn't half-bad, though I think it could use some modifications."

"Thank you, sir!" the Doctor called back to himself, touching the rim of his obnoxious hat.

The Doctors waved good-bye and River and the Doctor left the store.

"What was that about time-stream continuums?" River asked, nudging him once they were well out of hearing range of the shop.

The Doctor rubbed the soft spot where her elbow hit him. He complained, "You'd been gone over an hour and we only have a few hours left before Amy and Rory wake up."

River rolled her eyes. "I don't see why can't we just let them come along. Amy would be thrilled."

The Doctor waved his hands wildly at the suggestion. "Which is the whole problem," he retorted. "I don't remember anyone like Amy and Rory around."

"They can be in the background," River pointed out. "Even you don't notice everything."

The Doctor grumbled.

"Cheer up. I did buy the hat you suggested, after all," River said, holding out the hat box.

The Doctor's eyes lit up a the sight of it.

"Can I open it?" he asked, rubbing his hands together.

River smiled, amused at his turn of emotions and handed him the box.

He ripped open the round container and removed the hat. The hat box ended up in a baby pram that passed by.

"Too bad it's a girl's hat," he said, examining it.

"Too bad," River said sarcastically. "It probably even fits you." She grabbed it from him before he could test out the theory.

"River!" he complained.

"It is _my_ hat," she reminded him.

"I paid for it," he said stiffly.

"As a gift," River said firmly, holding the hat away from his reaching arm.

The Doctor slumped, resigned to the fact that the hat would probably be disintegrated within the next twenty-four hours.

"Maybe as a Christmas present, I'll wear it for you," River told him.

The Doctor looked over at her, and smiled at her crookedly. "I'll look forward to it." He stood up straighter at the thought.

His expression barely flickered when he noticed that she was no longer carrying the hat. _It's probably in the same place as her diary_, he thought absentmindedly, _and her guns_.

After a block of silence, River asked, her tone more serious, "Did you talk to Jamie or Victoria?"

Silence. River glance over at the man who she knew so well.

The Doctor stared straight forward. The shake of his had was almost imperceptible.

River's heart reached out to him.

**Author's Note: I think River is a little out of character in this chapter, the eleventh Doctor too, or maybe it just seems that way because I've been watching the classic series recently, so I can write the younger versions of him in a more believable manner.**


	7. Question

"I have a question, Doctor."

"Yes?" the Doctor asked, going through a coat closet that was tucked underneath the glass floor.

"Why didn't you – the younger you – notice when our Tardis landed? I thought Time Lords had telepathy connections. It made you jumpy before."

The Doctor took out a pink overcoat, shook his head, and stuck it back in the closet.

"That's simple," he said. "I didn't want to notice."

"Hm..." River thought to herself.

"Thank you, that's all I wanted to know."

The Doctor didn't hear her. He was too busy chuckling at the coat made of water balloons.


	8. A Brilliant View, A Scarf and Sarah Jane

**Another disclaimer in case you didn't get the rest: I don't own Doctor Who**

"Here, take this," the Doctor said nonchalantly, shoving a long trench coat at her. It wasn't his old, tan trench coat, despite the similar designs. It was an olive green.

"What's this for?" River asked.

"Well, you can't be wearing the same thing every time you see me," the Doctor said. "Even I would start to pick up clues."

Without a word, she slipped on the coat. _Hm_, she mused, pleased, _matches the dress rather nicely_.

"Why's it so heavy?" she asked.

"There may be some Jadaar eggs in there from the last time I used it."

River decided right then and there to never open the pockets.

"Where are we headed this time?" River asked as the Doctor raced around the control panel.

"To the Hoowler solar system," he enthused.

"_Finally_," River said with emphasis, "we're getting to interstellar travel."

The Doctor frowned. "I happen to enjoy Earth."

"And sometimes I feel like blowing it up," River told him frankly. "Maybe if you took me into the Amazon rainforest sometime..."

"Been there, done that," the Doctor said, throwing up a lever. The Tardis engines started.

River cocked her head. "Really? How'd that go?"

The Doctor flinched. "Take snake repellent. And mosquito repellent. Oh, and it would probably be a good idea to carry a scythe," the Doctor added, looking thoughtful.

"And did you have any of those things?" River asked with some amusement.

The Doctor looked at her. "I've never been good at preparing."

With that the Tardis landed with a thud, and the entire room shook before the ship managed to stabilize itself.

"What was that?" River asked. She had grabbed hold of the console to keep herself from falling.

"Don't worry," the Doctor said happily. "Happens every time I land on a moving train."

"What?"

"It's rather hard to calculate with the extra velocity added," the Doctor defended.

River shook her head and looked at the door. "We're on a _train_?"

The Doctor grinned. "Of course. The Star Train of the Hoowler solar system. Best way to travel, in my opinion."

The lights of the Tardis flashed.

The Doctor hurriedly patted the walls of his ship. "Well except you, dear, of course. I'd have thought that was obvious."

"So we're on a train that travels between planets."

"Yes."

"But wouldn't that take years?" River asked.

The Doctor waved away the suggestion. "Nah. They use spacey-wacey technology that makes the the trip shorter."

"That was the shortest explanation you've ever given," River told him. "I'm proud of you."

"We're in a hurry," he told her. "The train just took off and you're supposed to be in your compartment."

"Sleeping compartment?"

"Sitting," the Doctor said. "Each passenger is assigned a place to eat, sleep, and then sit."

"Then what's so amazing about it?" River asked. "That sounds rather mundane."

"You've never ridden the Star Train?" the Doctor asked.

"Obviously."

"Well then, stop being so skeptical," he told her. He planted a hand firmly on her back and pushed her towards the door.

"Careful with the enthusiasm, sweetie. You might make me excited."

The Doctor's ears went pink and he tried to ignore her as he opened the Tardis doors. They were in another janitor's closet. "Turn to the right and you'll find me two cars down, third compartment on the left – compartment 4SJ," the Doctor said, moving his finger as a visual for the route.

River looked at him sceptically. "You're sure?"

The Doctor looked hurt. "Of course I am. When am I not?" Then he realized what he had just said. "Okay, don't answer that question," he mumbled.

River cocked her head and smiled at him. "Don't worry. Makes it all more interesting."

She stepped out of the Tardis. To her surprise, so did the the Doctor.

"You're coming with me?" she asked.

"Actually I'm headed for the dining car. Imagine! They hand-make their own Jammie Dodgers!" He was positively giddy.

"Shall I join you, when I'm done?" River asked, she opened the closet door and peered into the dimly lit hallway.

"Absolutely! They also have _fantastic_ hot chocolate! I even personally went up to the chef and asked him how he did it..."

River stepped into the hallway, smiling as he told her exactly how to make the perfect cup of hot chocolate.

"...then add a teaspoon of milk."

"My love?"

"...but don't blend it in right away because..."

"Doctor!"

The Doctor blinked when he realized that River had been trying to get his attention.

"The dining car is the other way," River said blandly.

The Doctor twisted his head to glare in the other direction. There, in neon letters, were the words 'Dining Car' in bold print.

"So it is! Er... right." He tugged on his braces (suspenders) and said with airs, "Well, good luck, then. I'm off!"

"As you say, Doctor," River mocked, returning his tone.

"Ahem, right..." And with that, the Doctor whirled around, and marched in the opposite direction.

River shook her head. "That man..." And walked in the direction the Doctor told her to. Hopefully he had remembered right, but River didn't bet on it.

!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

Okay. So either the Doctor's memory had improved exceedingly, or the Tardis had given him train layouts. For once, he had given River the right directions.

The instant she opened the door, the first thing she heard was, a prim voice asking, "So when are they going to open the windows, Doctor?"

It was Sarah Jane Smith. River had met her once or twice before.

The Doctor's deep voice answered, "Hard to say. And, hello! It looks as though we have another friend joining us."

River slid the door all the way open. Besides rug on the floor, the compartment was covered entirely with glass. No one could see through the glass at the moment, but River assumed that the shields would come down eventually. And when they did come down... it probably looked as thought you were floating through open space.

"Hello," Sarah was the first person to greet her properly.

"Sorry, I had some trouble with my luggage," River lied. She shut the door behind her and took a seat opposite the Doctor,

"Perfectly reasonable," the Doctor assured her in a soothing tone. "That's why tend to not bring any luggage at all." _Says the man who brought his entire house with him_, River thought to herself.

"No luggage?" the fourth person in the compartment asked with incredulity. "This ride is going to take a month... how can you not have any luggage?"

"Oh, we don't plan on staying more than a week," the Doctor replied jovially. "Besides, I carry most everything in my pockets."

"A week..."

Sarah nudged him before he could 'explain' any further and said, "We are..." she thought a moment before she could come up with a decent lie, "...train inspectors," she finished lamely. "We have a separate capsule that we'll be taking back once we decide everything's ship-shape."

The man didn't look convinced. But River really didn't want to listen to an argument the whole time so she asked for everyone's names.

"Oh, how perfectly silly of me," the Doctor said. He stood up and bowed (much to River's amusement), causing his ridiculously long scarf to sweep the floor. "I'm the Doctor, forever at your service."

The Doctor was never going to live this one down.

"Fabulous to meet you," River said with a coy smile.

"And you might be?" he inquired, unbending himself and towering to his full height.

"Sontana Ocean," River said, still smiling as she stood to shake his hand.

This made Sarah Jane stand as well. "And I'm Sarah Jane Smith," she said loudly, and forced River break hands with the Doctor and to take her own.

The Doctor had always been fond of Sarah Jane, and River realized that this feeling was completely reciprocated. Imagine someone being overprotective of the Doctor... though, River had to admit, that fit her own description rather well.

They all turned to the man in the corner. He was watching the introductions with a scowl, and didn't seem to be in any type of mood to get up himself.

So the Doctor did it for him. "And this distinguished fellow," he motioned at the middle-aged blonde, "Is Mr. Harry Potter."

"Harry Potter?" River repeated, allowing herself a chuckle.

"Oh, have you read the books?" the Doctor asked. "Earth origin... twenty-first century?"

"Wouldn't want to be culturally deprived," River replied.

"I think they're written in a most sophisticated manner. Shakespeare would have enjoyed them, in fact he did."

The Doctor did love his Harry Potter. He had three sets in the Tardis library – all of them signed.

River said, "The seventh one was simply riveting."

"I almost had to pull out a handkerchief on that one," the Doctor agreed with a nod.

Sarah Jane spoke up. "I'm sorry, what are we talking about?"

"Harry Potter," the Doctor said. The man in the corner perked up at the sound of his name, but went back to frowning after the next thing said. "He's the main character in a book series written in your future. I'm rather fond of them."

"Is it in your library?" Sarah Jane asked.

"Complete set... signed," the Doctor said. He nodded thoughtfully to himself, then he turned to face Sarah completely. "Remind me to take them down, won't you? I think it would be good for your education if you read them."

So this Doctor only had one set. River wouldn't be surprised to figure out that three different regenerations ended up in the same line to get their own set signed.

"Surely I can get them myself, Doctor," Sarah Jane said, hands on her hips. "Tell me the author's name. I could get them right now and read while we wait."

"I'm afraid not Sarah, I put them in a vault."

"A vault?" Sarah Jane asked incredulously. "Whatever for?"

"I told you. I'm fond of them."

Sarah Jane sat back down in mock frustration. "Maybe you should get another set. One to read and one to... lock up. You know that's a perfectly ridiculous thing to do with books?"

The Doctor took his seat next to Sarah Jane, and River lowered herself back into her chair.

"Perfectly ridiculous... hogwash! It's perfectly reasonable.. Book collectors do it all the time, which I'm sure you are well aware of," the Doctor said in a tone of finality.

"I still want to read them," Sarah Jane said, relenting.

"And you shall," the Doctor said.

"Good."

"Good morning Star Train passengers," a woman's voice blared over the speakers. Everyone in the compartment sat up straighter. "We are now past the point of magnetic stabilization and will soon be lowering the viewing shields. For those who wish to sit in a shielded room, report to the nearest conductor and they will direct to a compartment. In five minutes, the compartments with viewing access will extend. If you wish to access the hallway, or other parts of the train, simply press the green 'callback' button by the door. To re-extend your compartment, press the blue 'extend' button, which is located just underneath the previous. In case of an emergency, press the red button. The dining car is open at all hours. If you have any questions please look in the guides under your seats, or ask the conductor who oversees your car. Thank you, and have a pleasant journey."

"That was the most monotone speech I've ever heard," Sarah Jane observed, after the announcement had ended. "So... what did 'extend the compartment' mean?"

The Doctor smiled. "I've always liked the element of surprise."

Sarah Jane sent him a sideways smile. "Well, I certainly hope its as wonderful as you've been bragging about for the past few hours, otherwise I might be terribly disappointed."

The Doctor leaned back in his seat, completely sure of himself. "Oh, don't worry about such things. Even I'm still impressed by the views of the Hoowler system – and this is my eleventh time. Simply marvelous."

"Why's that?" Sarah Jane asked. "It must be different from Earth then, even if stars are nice to look at."

Harry Potter sat up, looking dubious. "Earth? Earth!" he emphatically repeated. "The view must be a thousand times better than the view from that dusty planet! Why with the magnetic fields...!"

The Doctor leapt up and slapped his hand over the man's mouth. "Sh!" he gestured. "You aren't to give anything away."

"Mm-mmph deommdf!" the man tried to shout. The Doctor seemed to ignore the struggling man and kept a hand clapped against Mr. Potter's mouth.

"No spoilers," the Doctor said firmly, to River's delight.

Sarah Jane eyed the Doctor skeptically. "Doctor, that _is_ a little rude," she pointed out.

The Doctor looked down at the man who's mouth he'd restrained. Harry Potter was no longer struggling, but he was looking up at the Time Lord with livid eyes. The Doctor looked back at Sarah Jane and said innocently, "Are you sure? He was going to ruin the great surprise I'd been planning."

Sarah Jane couldn't help but laugh. "Very well, Doctor. But I think it would be best if you let the poor man go. I think he's going to behave."

The Doctor looked at the man with scrutinizing eyes. Mr. Potter was still glaring at him viciously.

"Sarah, I'm rather afraid that if I take my hand off he'll bite me."

"That's you're own problem. You got yourself into this mess."

River finally spoke up. "Here," she suggested. She took her place next to the Doctor and waited until Harry Potter met her eyes. "Mr. Potter," she said slowly, so he would catch every word, "this is my first time as well. If you so much as make a move to ruin the surprise, I will kick you – with these." At her words she picked up her foot and slammed her shoe onto the man's side table. He had a clear view of the four-inch (rather pointy) heels attached to them, not to mention eight inches of shin.

Harry Potter visibly gulped.

Sarah Jane balked, but she was half-laughing as well. The Doctor was wide-eyed, staring at River. She was in a rather seductive position. Completely planned, of course.

The Doctor blinked, then looked down at the shaken blonde man. "You heard Miss Ocean," he said. "Now, I'm going to remove my hand..."

Harry Potter was completely still when the Doctor hastily swiped his hand away. The Doctor grinned at 'his' success. "See?" he said cheerfully. "Nothing to worry about."

Mr. Potter growled and moved forward slightly, looking ready to tackle the funny man with the long scarf. He would have, if River hadn't cleared her throat. He balked, forgot what he was going to say, and curled up in his seat.

River removed her foot from the side table and said with a satisfied tone, "Thank you, kindly, Mr. Potter."

Both she and the Doctor sat down at the same time.

The Doctor began to study her. Eventually, he rubbed his face and admitted, "You're certainly sporting some devilish footwear."

Sarah Jane agreed. "Aren't they difficult to walk in?"

River patted down her dress and smoothed out the trench coat beneath her. "You should try running in them through the swamp."

The Doctor didn't question her, he only laughed.

The man in the corner mumbled something about wishing she would go drown in a swamp, but was immediately silenced with a swish of her curls.

"I say, don't take it badly," the Doctor told the man, trying his best to be sympathetic. "Even the best of us blurt out things we don't mean to."

The response he got was a loud harrumph.

The intercom came to life again, interrupting any other cheer-up speeches the Doctor had planned. "Attention passengers. The compartments will extend in approximately one minute. While they are moving, please remain seated. The viewing shields will be lowered immediately after. Attention, the compartments with extend in one minute."

"About time," the Doctor said. "I've only been here fifteen minutes and I'm already bored."

Sarah Jane sighed. "I suppose with your luck, the train's going to run into an intergalactic war vessel."

"Don't be so callous, Sarah," the Doctor said. "I took you on that picnic and nothing happened."

"Just a minor hurricane," Sarah Jane scoffed.

The Doctor waved away her criticism. "But it was completely natural. Not an alien or monster within a thousand miles."

"Besides you," Sarah Jane pointed out.

River watched their banter with a small smile, diminished by the homesick feeling that was growing in her stomach. She was fairly certain, no she _knew_, that the Doctor wouldn't meet her officially until after the last Time War. So why did it hurt so much when the younger, naïve versions of himself looked right through her?

The answer to that was fairly simple: Because he's _the Doctor_.

Her depressed mood was forgotten as the entire compartment began to shift, causing the word-rally to go silent and begin with exclamations of "Ahhh!" and "Finally!". Both Sarah Jane and River had grabbed onto their armrests. Opposite River, was the Doctor, sitting calmly as ever with a protrusive smile covering his face.

"What's happening?" Sarah Jane asked, her voice vibrating in time with the shaking compartment.

"The compartments are separating from the train," the Doctor said, looking pleased. "We'll be about three football fields away."

"Three football fields!" Sarah Jane exclaimed, still hanging on tightly. "How are we connected to the train?"

The Doctor gave her a look. "Oh, Sarah. I _could_ give you a long lecture on asymmetrical neutron flux, but then you'd miss the view."

At those words, the compartment stopped shuddering. An automated voice, different from the intercom voice, proclaimed, "View shields, lifting."

River had seen many of space's wonders. The Doctor loved sight-seeing, especially if people were on board with him. Plus, her studies in archeology had taken her to an enormous scope of unthinkable views. But this... she could only stare.

There were stars in the background, glorious as usual. But in the foreground were streams of light in all colors. It was like being in the middle of the northern lights – with only a few feet of perfectly clear glass keeping her from them. She turned to exclaim her joy, but to her dismay, Sarah Jane got there first.

"Oh Doctor..." Sarah Jane breathed. "Oh Doctor! It's absolutely marvelous!"

"I know," the Doctor said, looking smug, watching his young companion. "I knew you'd be impressed."

River watched Sarah Jane lean over and give the Doctor a quick hug. She went back to complementing the view with the Doctor happily responding. He didn't look once at River.

Her heart ached.

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that her Doctor was only a few cars away.

Mr. Potter was no longer curled up in a defensive position. His head was resting against the back of the seat and he was looking up at the stars and the swirling colors with an almost loving expression. River decided this was the reason the Doctor loved the human race. For all their bluster, greed, and moments of anger, there were always times – in every person's life – where they would look like Harry Potter as he gazed through space.

After a minute, the Doctor told Sarah Jane to quiet down for several moments and just gaze. Sarah Jane didn't need any persuasion and she immediately rested her head against her hand, letting the armrest support her.

Six hypnotizing minutes passed.

"Oh no..."

Everyone glanced over at the man who'd disrupted their meditation. But their expressions of annoyance turned to concern as Mr. Potter doubled over in his chair, his teeth clenched.

The Doctor rushed over and knelt by the suffering man.

"What's wrong?" he asked, holding the man's hand to his ear, then he sniffed it.

"I've got a kidney disease," he managed to gasp. "They have it under control, but I forgot to take my pills..."

The Doctor put a comforting hand on the man's shoulder. "Well no wonder you were so grumpy," he said soothingly then he turned around and ordered, "Sarah, press that blue button. Hurry!"

Sarah Jane immediately obeyed, and she smacked the button that would take them back to the train.

"Where are your pills?" the Doctor asked as the compartment began to rumble to it's docking space.

"Red suitcase. Top pocket," Mr. Potter managed to say before doubling over again.

"Which room, man? Which room?"

"4RK," Harry Potter gasped. He managed to retrieve his room key from his pocket.

River got up and knelt beside the Doctor. With care, she picked up Mr. Potter's other hand and squeezed it.

"You're going to be all right," she told him firmly.

"MY KIDNEYS ARE FAILING!" the man sat up suddenly, panicking.

The Doctor forced him back in is chair. "Worse things could be failing," he said soberly. Then he muttered to himself, "The kidneys always seem to be the first to go..."

Sarah Jane looked a little taken aback as she watched the grown man start to cry (occasionally letting out a yelp if the compartment moved too suddenly). River looked back and sent her a sympathetic expression.

"Anything I can do?" Sarah Jane asked helplessly.

"Are we almost docked?" the Doctor asked.

With the viewing shields still down, Sarah Jane could see the distance they were covering.

"We'll be there in about thirty seconds," Sarah Jane told him.

The Doctor looked at Harry Potter and told him carefully. "Listen to me, Mr. Potter. This is important."

The man didn't stop crying but he met the Doctor's eyes.

"You're going to be fine. Do you hear me? But it will take a while for those pills to take effect, if I'm correct about the illness you have. I would also suggest going down to the medical center – just in case."

Mr. Potter whimpered.

"As soon as our compartment stops, Miss Smith will get your pills, I will fetch a medic, and Miss Ocean will stay with you here. Is that all right with you, Miss Ocean?"

River nodded.

"But – but... she's going to kick me," Harry Potter said in a low voice, looking at River with wide eyes.

The compartment slid to a stop.

River smiled softly at the man. This was a smile she rarely used. "I was never going to kick you, Mr. Potter. I wouldn't want to be convicted of murder...," she almost added, "again".

He still looked worried, so she kissed his finger, like a mother kissing away a paper cut. He gulped, but made no more complaints. The Doctor stood up, satisfied.

"Doctor!" Sarah Jane said, sounding frustrated. "The door isn't opening."

The Doctor walked over. He said nonchalantly, "The vacuum seal is probably still fading, nothing to worry about."

Fatal last words.

"Doctor, it's still not opening," Sarah Jane complained after they waited a minute and she tried again.

Trying the door himself, the Doctor was unable to get the door open as well. He examined the edges of the door.

"All of the vacuum seals are fully operational," he said gravely.

"The emergency button!" Sarah Jane exclaimed, and she pressed the red button.

Nothing happened. It didn't light up, like the blue button had.

She turned on the Doctor. "Only you would get us into a compartment where the emergency button wasn't working!" she declared. She started pounding on the thick door, hoping that someone in the hallway would hear them.

The Doctor touched her hands, and shook his head. "That isn't going to work... not with the vacuum seals."

"What are we going to do?" Sarah Jane asked, looking down at Mr. Potter and River, who was still kneeling next to him.

The Doctor began probing the walls. "There's bound to be a service box _somewhere_," he muttered. There was a click and a small portion of the wall opened, revealing a mess of wires.

Harry Potter moaned. Sarah Jane asked, "Will he be all right?"

"Sarah, he will last quite a bit longer. Kidney failure isn't going to kill him off quickly," the Doctor said, pulling out several of the wires so he could get a better look at them.

"How reassuring," Sarah Jane answered, arms folded, sending worried looks in the sick man's direction.

River suddenly thought of something. "Doctor?"

"Hm?

"How long before our oxygen supply is cut off?"

"It was cut off the moment we docked," the Doctor said, pulling out more of the wires. "Blue... no, the green one if I remember... but wait? What's the red do?"

Sarah Jane looked at the Doctor, then at River, in horror. "You mean we aren't getting any oxygen?"

River said grimly, "As soon as the compartment docked, the system figured we were getting oxygen from the train and cut off the independent source that runs when we're extended."

River looked around the small room. "How much have we got left?"

"Ten minutes, at most," River said. She called, "Doctor! I don't suppose you can get the oxygen going?"

The Doctor had out his sonic screwdriver and a pair of pliers, trying to manipulate the door. "What was that? Oxygen? I'm afraid not," he said calmly. "That's controlled up at the front."

Harry Potter hadn't complained about it yet, to River's relief, but that might have been because he was in a near-delirious state.

"Aha!" the Doctor cried, reconnecting two wires. There were several sparks near the bottom of the door, but other than that nothing moved.

"Well?" Sarah Jane asked, tapping her foot.

The Doctor whirled around, scarf following after him. River knew that expression. He was going to start pacing.

The Doctor started to pace.

"But the red wire!" he exclaimed to himself. "No... the green. But what about the purple wire in the back? Cantiline space cruisers used the blue for... but the red? What do those mean?"

"Doctor?" River tried to get his attention.

The Doctor ignored her. "But if the blue and the green were crossed... no! Ultimate conundrum. It would short out the whole thing. Unless- unless the black wire is the same as the interline cruise ships in the forty-fifth century..."

"Doctor!" River yelled.

The Doctor blinked and looked down at her. "I'm sorry, Miss Ocean, not now. I'm trying to remember the wire codes of Hoowler space vehicles."

"But Doctor!" Sarah Jane said, realizing what River wanted. She grabbed the book River had been trying to hand him. "Look! One of the booklets under the seat is for maintenance!"

The Doctor grabbed up the book. "So it is," he said brightly. "How thoughtful."

"We don't have very long," River reminded him.

The Doctor flipped through the book. When he stopped at a page, River knew he'd found it.

"I don't suppose anyone has a welder?" he asked.

Too bad the sonic wasn't updated.

"Your pockets?" Sarah Jane suggested.

"Hm, right. Hold this for me, will you?" he said, handing Sarah Jane the book, his screwdriver and pliers, and then pieces of leftover wire.

He rummaged through his pockets and began pulling out random items. A bag of jelly-babies, a package of crayons, an apple, at least three pairs of socks (all mismatched), and a long string of shoelaces tied together. By the time he was done, the pile on the seat was at least a foot high.

"Nothing," he said with a sigh.

"Do you really need a welder?" Sarah Jane asked.

The Doctor looked at the hole in the wall with the bunches of wires hanging out of it. "I may be able to dismantle all of the outer shields, but the innermost shield will still be intact."

"You mean the rubber seal?" River asked, perking up.

"Quite."

"What if we dissolved it?" River asked. She would have suggested blasting it, but she didn't really want to explain the gun and she had the solution in the Doctor's trench coat.

The Doctor sent her a look. "Unless you saw me pull out some outrageously mutant lemons..."

"What about Jadaar eggs?" she interrupted.

The Doctor's eyes widened. "You have Jadaar eggs?"

River patted her long, olive green coat.

He grabbed her by the shoulders and laughed, then he whipped around and grabbed his things from Sarah Jane, who looked slightly puzzled.

"What are... Jadaar eggs?" she finally asked.

River smiled. "They only contain some of the most acidic liquids in the universe... particularly when their _ripe_. They also smell really, really bad."

Sarah Jane wrinkled her nose.

"And you just happen to have some," she said.

River shrugged. "I got the coat from a friend who has peculiar hobbies."

"I'm not sure I would've taken it," Sarah Jane admitted. "Particularly if I'd known what was in the pockets.

"Oh, darling," River said with a smile, "Don't worry. If he had been anyone else, I would've shoved it down the garbage incinerator. But, the color does go with my dress, I'll give him that."

Sarah Jane nodded, amused.

After a few minutes, and after they all had had to start taking deep breathes, the Doctor croaked, "There! The shields are down. I _knew_ that red wire was important."

"Here," River said, handing him the trench coat.

The Doctor carefully opened one of the pockets, which had been lined very protectively, and pulled out a yellow egg the size of an orange.

"I would plug your noses," he said, an with that, he hurled the egg at the edges of the door. The egg broke with an undramatic crack, but the smell made up for it. River felt herself turning green, and Sarah Jane had to sit down. The white and yoke of the egg intermingled, and were making a hissing sound as it ate through the seal _and_ the door. The floor had dents it it were the yoke dripped.

After a few more eggs, it was apparent that the seal was completely broken, and the the only remaining problem would be to slide open the door and avoid the acid while doing so. In the end, the Doctor was forced to use the trophy of a golden arrow that he'd pulled out of his pocket. He muttered something about Robin Hood and sighed as he used the arrow to pull the door open, dissolving as it went.

"I think we're all going to have to be reassigned," the Doctor said, observing the damage.

"Should I run and get his pills now?" Sarah Jane asked, choking at the smell.

"Do – and don't step into any of the egg," he warned as she was about to leave. Sarah Jane carefully stepped though the entrance. Satisfied, the Doctor turned to River, "I'm heading for the medical center... as well as the engineer department. I feel like filing a complaint."

River chuckled.

"How's old Harry?"

River patted the man's hand. "Sleeping," she said. "I think that egg smell knocked him out."

The Doctor looked at the remains of the door. "Yes. I suppose that make sense. Would you like to move to the hallway, away from it?"

"Please," River said gratefully. She was close to gagging herself and she probably wouldn't have been able to carry out Mr. Potter along with her.

The Doctor didn't seem to be affected at all.

"Don't ruin your scarf," she warned, as he backed through the opening. Harry Potter was a little overweight in her opinion, as she strained to lift his legs at waist level.

Once they'd reached the hallway a conductor had come running. An unconscious person was bad for business. River couldn't wait to show him the door.

"Well, I'm off," the Doctor said to River, who was watching the poor train conductor as he examined Mr. Potter. "You can deal with this aggrieved fellow."

"So long," River said. The Doctor was practically running to keep away from the responsibility.

The squeal from the conductor told her he'd seen the door.

She patted his shoulder. "Now be a good man and watch him, won't you?" she said, motioning to Mr. Potter.

"But... but what...?"

"Just stay put," River told him. He stuttered and tried to grab her shoulder, but she sauntered out of reach. "I'm sure you'll be fine."

As she passed the ruined compartment, she got one last look at the beautiful view.

"Doctor," she muttered under her breath. "That hot chocolate had better be blooming fantastic." She didn't bother to retrieve the trench coat.

**I love the fourth Doctor, but it was hard to come up with a situation to meet him in. I almost think I put too many events in this one - too much happening**.** Those few instances where River felt left out didn't stand out enough. If anyone wants to suggest ways in which River could meet future Doctors, be my guest. I have some ideas but new perspectives are always nice.**


	9. Hot Chocolate

**Disclaimer: Still don't own BBC**

"Ho ho!" the Doctor exclaimed, spotting River as she entered the dining car. "There you are."

River watched him shuffle in her direction, being careful not to spill any of the food he'd piled onto his plate.

"Enjoying yourself?" River asked.

The Doctor didn't notice the dangerous edge in her voice. "Absolutely!" he said excitedly. "They have biscuits shaped like trains! See?" He waved one in front of her face so she could get a good look. Then he bit off the front engine.

He stood there, chewing contentedly when he sniffed. He wrinkled his nose. "What's that smell?"

River pursed her lips and crossed her arms.

The Doctor froze and looked River up and down. "Oh. Right. Well, they worked didn't they?" he tried to stay positive.

"I'm going back to change," River said suddenly, and she whipped around to head back to the corridor.

The Doctor grabbed her arm and pulled her back. Several of the desserts fell of his plate. He ignored them.

"Hey," he said, acknowledging her discomfort. He massaged her shoulder gently. "I don't mind. You've smelled worse..."

River glared at him. Whoops. Probably not the right thing to say.

He hurried on. "What I mean is... we can't leave without eating, can we? And trying some of that hot chocolate – I've already had three cups. And I booked a table with a view of the outside! I know you didn't get to see much of it before..."

River smiled at him, and took his arm. "Very well, my love. I would very much like to see that view again."

"And try the hot chocolate!" the Doctor added enthusiastically as he led her around tables. "Maybe we can come here again with Amy and Rory. And this time I'll check to make sure there aren't any malfunctioning buttons."

"So what happens to Harry Potter?" River asked as they weaved into a side room. The lights were dimmed and three of the walls were purely window, so diners could see the lights in all their glory.

The Doctor's eyes followed the streaks of color as he answered, "Oh, a full recovery. His disease wasn't really all that serious. Turns out, he just had really low pain tolerance."

"Doesn't surprise me," River murmured.

"But his _name_!" the Doctor said, sitting down at one of the tables by the window. River sat across from him. "It threw me off every time I thought of it!"

River smirked, picked up a crumpet from the plate.

"You realize that his name isn't _that_ uncommon," she said.

The Doctor shrugged. "Still thought it was funny though."

River sighed, secretly amused. She felt rather sorry for all the Harry Potters that the Doctor would encounter.

"Isn't it fantastic?" the Doctor asked, gazing at the phenomenon outside.

River nodded. "You certainly know where to take a girl."

The Doctor grinned, pleased.

!~!~!~!~!~!

About thirty minutes and five hot chocolates later (the Doctor drank three more of them of them), River was ready to go.

The Doctor wasn't. He was twitchy and kept whining about how pretty the view was and couldn't they stay a little longer? Then he would mention something about more food.

River narrowed her eyes and stared at him. He fidgeted under her gaze.

"Doctor," she asked. "Is something wrong?"

"Wrong?" the Doctor sat up, startled. He shifted anxiously. "Wrong? Why would something be wrong?"

"Because you've gone all twitchy – and not just from the sugar," River said. "Plus, only an hour ago you were wanting to hurry so that Amy and Rory wouldn't wake up."

The Doctor rubbed his hands together and looked around nervously.

"Are you worried that your younger self will see you?" River asked.

The Doctor shook his head.

"I'm in the front of the train, filing my complaint..." he said absently. He looked at her. "What about another hot chocolate?"

River stared at him, trying to figure it out. Suddenly, it donned on her.

The Doctor practically jumped out of his seat when she grinned at him. Evilly.

"Celery boy's next, isn't he?" River said.

The Doctor moaned and let his forehead bang into the table.


	10. Preparations include Salad Dressing

**Disclaimer: I don't own BBC or Doctor Who or any brand of Ranch Dressing**

**Author's Note: Sorry it's another in-between chapter, but I'm almost done with the next one.**

Once River managed to drag the Doctor back onto the Tardis, he told her to go put on something flashy. And a shower wouldn't be bad either.

Fine with her.

When she appeared back in the console room, the Doctor turned her way and grinned. Apparently whatever he'd been fretting about was no longer worrying him.

"So," she asked, twirling, "how do I look?"

"Good," the Doctor said. "_Very_ good."

River curtsied. The blue dress she had picked out sparkled in the pale lights.

"So, where are we now?" she asked, approaching the console. The Doctor had moved the ship while River had been refreshing herself.

The Doctor leaned against the control panel. "Have you ever heard of Quinton Minor, more commonly known as the 'Tourist Planet'?" he asked.

River nodded. "It's an Earth colony settled in the 50th century. My friends at the university would go there on weekends. I never went with them though – it was all a bit too commercialized."

"So what _did_ you do on your days off?" the Doctor inquired, but there was a sparkle in his eye. He already knew the answer.

River smiled. "Looked for you, of course."

The Doctor's smile widened and he stared at her. Finally he said, "Well, naturally..."

River rolled her eyes.

As he laughed she flicked a few buttons so she could get a good look at the scanner. Good. It wasn't cold outside. It would be a shame to have to cover the dress with a coat.

"So what made you want to go here?" River asked.

He stood up and straightened his bow tie. "We'd been having a run of bad days, so I thought I'd take them to someplace nice."

"'Them' being...?"

"Tegan and Turlough," he answered.

River closed her eyes, trying to remember their files. She opened her eyes. "Turlough was the boy who wasn't human, am I right?"

"Correct," the Doctor said, trying to forget the fact that she'd been through his files. "He even had a level of mastery over the Tardis controls: useful in some cases and worrisome in others."

"Right," River said. "Interesting past.

"And Tegan was the girl who lost her stomach for it all, hm?"

The Doctor shifted his stance. "Like I said," he sounded uncomfortable, "we had a series of bad days."

"I'm still not sure I like her," River said, crossing her arms.

"River," he protested. "Everyone leaves at some point. And Tegan had been through a lot: being possessed, seeing Adric die, her aunt die, not to mention a whole lot of other people. I pushed her over the edge, that's all."

"She didn't have to be so harsh about it," River said, unforgiving.

The Doctor gripped her shoulders. "River, listen to me. You don't even know her. I've forgiven her, and that should be good enough for you."

He added as an afterthought, "Plus, when you see her, she won't have left me yet, will she have?"

River sighed. "Very well, sweetie. I'll be nice."

"As nice as you are to Amy," the Doctor said, holding up a finger.

"Doctor, Amy's-" River cut herself off before she finished the sentence with, "- my mother". Which _was_ a fairly good reason. It was kind of obligatory to be nice to your mother.

"Amy's ginger," she said lamely.

"What's that got to do with anything, even if it _is_ a brilliant quality?" the Doctor asked.

"I couldn't very well tell you the real reason, so I gave you a fake one," River said with a shrug.

"Why can't you tell me what you were going to say?" the Doctor asked incredulously.

River laughed. "You already know the answer to that one."

The Doctor grumbled, "Spoilers."

"Right you are, my love."

The Doctor stuck out his tongue.

"And... I'll be nice to her. Don't worry," River assured him soothingly. "Although, from these past few hours, I'd say you should be more worried about yourself than anyone,"

"Ri-ver!" the Doctor complained. "I've been trying not to think about it. Why do you think I was drinking so much hot chocolate? It kicked in about twenty minutes ago."

River raised her eyebrows. "Only you would drown your sorrows by drinking hot chocolate."

"I told you," the Doctor said, "those alcoholic beverages taste _horrible_."

"But hot chocolate?" River asked, her eyebrows still raised.

The Doctor sniffed. "It works."

"If you say so, dear... as long as you don't sulk."

"Sulk. I don't sulk," the Doctor said, nose in the air. "Now River Song, off with you, before I change my mind."

River smirked and walked towards the door, looking as vain as a peacock in her blue evening gown. Which reminded him...

"Oh! River!" he said, racing up to her. "Don't forget to buy a mask!"

"A mask."

"Yes, a mask," the Doctor repeated. "One with peacock feathers. I thought I might've had it in my collection, but... looks like you're going to have to buy it."

"Steal it, you mean," River said.

"Buy it," the Doctor said firmly. "I don't want you making more trouble than I know you already did."

"Sweetie," River's voice was as smooth as honey, "I need _money_ if I want to buy anything."

The Doctor blinked. "Oh. Right." He dug around in his pockets. He pulled out a deck of cards and a bag of marbles before finally getting at what he was reaching for, which was a giant stack of oversized tickets.

"Here," he said happily. River looked at the tickets suspiciously.

"This is money?" River asked.

"For Quintor Minor only," he said. "There's an exchange station at the entrance... well, where you're supposed to enter, anyway. I didn't actually get around to it until my ninth regeneration with Rose."

"And how much is this?" River asked, flipping through the fake-looking money.

The Doctor shrugged. "I don't know. I can never tell."

River rolled her eyes.

"Anything else?" River asked.

"Nope."

"I'll be seeing you then."

"Most definitely."

"And you won't be sulking in a corner," River said, her eyes narrowing.

The Doctor sniffed. "I don't sulk."

River laughed as if she knew something he didn't. Which, he supposed, she probably did. He sighed and went over to hold open the door. She was dressed as a lady, after all, and no one more than her deserved to be treated like one – especially by him.

"Thank you, love," she told him, blowing him a kiss as she waltzed past him into the noises of a market.

It was his turn to smirk. "Anytime, River. Anytime."

As she wandered farther away she heard him call. "And by the way! My celery is _not_ for eating!"

She laughed again. There was ranch dressing in her purse.


	11. Celery Boy

**Disclaimer: I really, really don't own Doctor Who**

**Authors Note: Someone noticed I was American. Yep. I try to stick with British sayings/words/etc. (its is a British TV show), but sometimes I have absolutely no idea that we even have something different. And this chapter gets a little mushy near the end – poor Doctor. He tries.**

The mask merchant's eyes were so wide, River wouldn't have been surprised if they had popped out.

"Is this enough?" River asked, holding one of the money-tickets under his nose. The rest of the tickets had been stuffed back in her handbag as soon as she had seen the man's expression.

The man licked his lips. Through gritted teeth he admitted with clear regret, "More than enough."

River swallowed her desire to sigh. The Doctor had given her _way_ too much. And she didn't like the way some of the people around her were eying her handbag.

"Here," she said, handing him the money and grabbing the mask, "keep the change."

The man smiled and said silkily, "Come back any time."

_Don't bet on it_, River thought at him, securing the white mask decorated with peacock feathers.

Within minutes she was forced to take out six pick pockets. It was only after she shot a particularly ugly one with her gun did the other ones get the message and back off. Well, for a few minutes anyways.

With a flick of her hair, she shoved the gun back in her handbag, and swaggered out of the alleyway. It was time to find the Doctor.

Honestly she wasn't entirely sure how to go about doing that. The Mask Festival had attracted such a large and varying crowd of people, even the Doctor would be hard to pick out – particularly if he were wearing a mask.

Or not.

An announcement came over the loudspeaker. It boomed. It had to otherwise there was no way anyone could hear it over the bickering, laughing, bargaining, cheering, and blaring festival music.

"_Will the owner of a blue box, origin Earth, please remove it from the middle of the information center's floor_."

River rolled her eyes. Apparently not even the perception filter could keep people from ignoring something so blatantly in the way. Her eyes wandered towards the tallest building in Costume Metropolis. The skyscraper had been built to resemble a coat rack and the information center was somewhere near the top.

If River was right (she usually was), fastest way to get there would be a hover cab. There were docking stations near the top so people wouldn't have to use the already-crowded elevators.

River smiled as she realized she was only fifteen feet away from one of the signal stations. With a satisfied smile she walked over and fired a flare. The red signal flew a hundred feet in the air and burst into a firework of multiple colors. _Interesting system_, she concluded, as a hover cab almost immediately dropped out of the air to where she was waiting.

"Where to?" the green alien asked, looking bored. His mask was sitting on the floor, probably abandoned immediately after he'd been out of the site of his boss.

"Information center, please," she said, stepping into the car.

The cab driver nodded, made sure she was securely fastened, and pulled a lever that had them flying two hundred feet in the air. The trip took less than a minute, even though the building was at least five miles away. That explained the barf bags.

As she paid the driver, his jaw dropped at the money, particularly when she told him to keep the change as a tip. In all likelihood, he had just earned the equivalence of a week's wages.

She left before he could stammer a thank-you.

The information center was crowded, and she saw the Tardis – parked right in the middle of the floor – long before she spotted the Doctor.

And she heard him before she spotted him.

"Now look here," a snippy voice said, capturing River's attention, "I'm not going to be here any longer than a few hours, can't you just let..."

The woman at the desk interrupted him, "Sir, we insist that you move your... spaceship, did you say?... to the designated parking locations."

The girl standing beside the Doctor snorted. She was wearing a red half-mask that had flowers sticking out of the side. "Are you kidding? The mere fact that he managed to land on the planet is impressive. The idea of him actually parking in the right place is laughable."

The Doctor sent his young companion a scowl, but couldn't really deny it.

"All the same," the woman said with a tone of finality, "you must move it or your vehicle will be towed."

"Couldn't we just go see the parade?" the ginger boy said haughtily. Neither he nor the Doctor had a mask. "Surely we can just steal back the Tardis when we're done."

"Turlough!" the Doctor hissed. Then he sent a fake smile at the lady.

"Well we could," Turlough grumbled.

"It would be more trouble than it's worth," River heard the Doctor admit quietly.

That was more like the Doctor.

River decided it was time to intervene.

"Alright..." the Doctor began to argue again, but River stepped in.

"Hello," she said. "Are you the owner of that marvelous spacecraft?"

The Doctor whirled around. There was the celery.

"Yes," he said cautiously. "Yes, I am. And you might be?"

River reached out and shook his hand, and said with an dismissing smile, "Just a recently converted billionaire."

That caught the information clerk's attention.

River turned to the her and said in a silky voice. "Is there any way you can bend the rules?"

The woman licked her lips. "I'm afraid not, ma'am," she said respectfully.

River fingered the money in her handbag. "What if I made a donation?" she asked. "Say... about this much?"

There was the widening eyes again.

The woman gulped. "Let me talk to my superiors," the woman said, her voice raspy. She turned away and began jabbering through an communications box in a low voice.

River heard Tegan ask, "So how much is that, exactly?"

River was amused to see the the Doctor shrug.

Then he turned to River and there was a clear show of relief in his eyes. "I don't know who you are," he said. "But I am exceedingly grateful. Are you in need of any assistance? Because if so..."

River laughed and waved away his offer. "Glad to be of service," she said. "Your ship really is a beautiful one."

The Doctor raised his eyebrow and sent his gaze towards the Tardis. With hands clasped behind his back he said, "Well, yes, I suppose I am rather fond of her."

Tegan snorted again. "That old thing? But half the time she doesn't even take us to the right place... unless it's not the ship and it's more of your bad piloting skills."

The Doctor huffed, "I am perfectly capable of piloting my own Tardis!"

"Obviously," Tegan said. "And that's why it took you so long to take me home."

"Things got in the way," the Doctor said. "You saw. You were there!"

"Things got in the way because you're horrible at piloting her!" Tegan argued.

River heard Turlough sigh. Apparently this was an age-old argument.

The Doctor opened his mouth retort but River stopped them both with, "I don't suppose you've considered the idea that your ship pilots herself occasionally?"

Looking thoughtful, the Doctor nodded. Tegan just looked skeptical.

"And how is it that you know she was a ship at all?" Turlough asked River suspiciously.

River laughed. "I'm not a billionaire for nothing, dearie. I know a TARDIS when I see one."

Turlough looked at the Doctor for confirmation.

The Doctor looked at River, his interest in her aroused. "So you're familiar with Time Lord technology?" he asked.

"Of course," River said smoothly.

She turned as the information clerk cleared her throat. "Um, the director wants to know exactly how much you're donating and where you'd like it to go to."

River placed the cash on the counter. "I'm giving you this much and I don't care what you do with it," she said pointedly.

The woman's hands shook as she picked up the wad of money. It made up about half the amount in River's handbag. She began to count it.

River turned back to the Doctor and explained, "I'm an archeologist."

"Ah," the Doctor said. His interest faded. He didn't think much of archeologists.

Tegan was amused, but she felt she should explain her companion's sudden lack of emotion. The woman was paying a lot of money to get them out of trouble, after all. It was only fair. "If you know what a Tardis is, then you must know it's a time machine," Tegan said. River smiled and nodded in confirmation. Tegan brightened and continued, "The Doctor gets uppity around archeologists and history books because they're wrong half the time."

Turlough laughed. "You should see him in a museum!" he proclaimed.

Tegan frowned. "Don't mention that. It was a disaster."

The Doctor tried to ignore his companions. He cleared his throat, in warning, to silence them. It only partially worked.

"So how did you get rich doing archeology?" Turlough asked. He sounded too eager for River's liking. But Tegan seemed interested as well.

"You'd be amazed how many people bury their money with them," River said.

The Doctor frowned. Tegan looked thoughtful. Turlough just looked impressed. "You raid tombs?" he exclaimed. "Are you sure that isn't a little dangerous – with booby traps and all?"

River answered, "That's why I like tombs."

"So it's kind of like exploring the Egyptian pyramids then? Doctor?" Tegan looked at the Doctor for confirmation.

"I suppose," the Doctor finally said. "But if it were me, I think I'd rather visit the live ones, eh?"

River nudged him. "Oh Doctor. We can't all afford to be picky."

The Doctor muttered something that sounded like, "Conniving archeologists..." while River was distracted again by the information clerk who was tapping her on the shoulder.

"Ma'am?"

"Have something to say?" River asked.

The woman cleared her throat. "The director says the blue spacecraft can stay there for as long as you'd like."

"Lovely. Thank him for me, won't you?" River said smoothly.

She ignored the reply and hooked arms with the Doctor. Before he could protest she was dragging him away. A bemused Tegan and Turlough at their heels.

"So where were you headed before the little mix-up with your Tardis?" River asked.

Turlough answered, "We were going to the parade."

"A parade!" River exclaimed. "How fun!"

"I'm not so sure," Tegan said. "It seems all you do is watch while your muscle get stiff."

The Doctor tried to turn his head to look at her as he said, "I told you, Tegan. This is the _Parade of Masks_. It's in the air!"

"You've said," Tegan said dully.

"We've already been shopping for hours!" Turlough complained. "And we didn't even buy anything. I'm for the parade."

Tegan folded her arms. "It's not my fault the Doctor didn't bring any money."

"We got to do what Tegan wanted, and now we're doing what Turlough wants," the Doctor said wearily.

"And what do you want to do, Doctor?" River asked, still clutching his arm so there wasn't any way he could escape.

"I offered to take them to Gavin 5," the Doctor said loftily, "but I was outvoted."

"Gavin 5 _is_ lovely," River agreed.

The Doctor looked over at her with approval. "Isn't it? How many times have to been there?"

"Just once," River said, a far-off look in her eye. "A friend took me."

"Was it a date?" Tegan asked.

"Tegan," the Doctor warned.

"Just asking," Tegan defended. "I mean, _you_ were going on about how romantic it was and all that, and you're the least romantic person I know."

The Doctor pursed his lips. "I don't know whether to be insulted or not," he finally said.

River said, "I'm sure the Doctor could be romantic if he thought about it."

"Thank you," he said. "I think."

River squeezed his arm. She turned her head towards Tegan and said, "And to answer your question, _I_ certainly considered it a date. Whether my friend did is a completely different story."

"And is it romantic as they say?" Tegan asked.

"Oh certainly," River agreed. "As long as you don't have the flowers trying to eat you. That wasn't very nice of them – it ruined my dress."

"Man-eating flowers..." the Doctor began, looking skeptical. "I don't remember any carnivorous plants."

"That's because there usually aren't," River said.

"Ah," the Doctor said, and decided he didn't want her to elaborate.

They reached the hover car docking station and stopped.

"So where to?" River asked.

"Does this mean we don't have to walk?" Turlough asked, examining all the hover cabs gliding around them.

The Doctor looked at River, down at their linked arms, then said, "You know, you really don't have to inconvenience yourself. We can walk."

"Do-octor!" Turlough whined.

"You aren't walking," River insisted. "You're coming with me."

"To the parade?" Tegan asked.

"Of course," River said. She waved at one of the waiting cab drivers, signaling for him to hold his car.

"And what makes you feel the need to have us come with you?" the Doctor asked as she dragged him to the waiting cab.

"It's no fun by myself," she said. "Plus, I like your Tardis."

"And what has that got to do with anything?" the Doctor asked stuffily.

River shoved him in the cab. Tegan and Turlough climbed in behind them. Tegan kept shifting her weight; she was obviously nervous. Turlough just looked glad he wasn't going to have to walk anymore.

The cab driver turned around. He was wearing a mask, unlike the other one. "Where to?" he asked.

River nudged the Doctor.

"Oh! Erm... the Epicenter please."

The engine of the hover car started humming.

"Going to see the parade are you?" the cabby asked.

No one answered, so Tegan took it upon herself. "That's right," she answered, sending glares in everyone else's direction.

The car shot off the platform. Tegan's knuckles turned white as she clutched the seat.

"Going to do the raffle?" the cabby asked.

"What raffle?" Turlough asked.

The cabby smiled. "The raffle for the box seats. They draw two names and then the winners with a plus-one get to sit in the announcement tower – it's got the best view and the best food."

"Do the tickets cost money?" Turlough asked.

The cabby looked at him strangely. "Of course they do. That's the whole point of the raffle – raising money for the parade next year."

Turlough sighed and slouched in his seat.

"You have money, right?" the man asked, looking worried.

"_She_ does," Turlough said grouchily, nodding at River.

The man relaxed his grip on the steering.

"Don't worry, lad," the cabby said finally. "It seems like the rich people win every year anyways."

"Yes," the Doctor said. "The city receives lots of 'donations' this time of year."

Tegan snorted.

River laughed. Having a lot of money was surprisingly enjoyable.

Then the cab ride was over. River handed over one of the fake-looking notes, and watched the cabby's jaw drop as she told him to keep the change.

"You realize how much this is, don't you?" he asked, stuttering. An honest man, River couldn't help but assess as he tried to insist on giving her change.

"Really, I am in a bit of a hurry," she told him. The man watched her incredulously as she stalked off and her three companions followed after her.

Everyone caught their breath as they gazed at the Epicenter. It was a giant, _exceedingly_ tall stadium that was was in the shape of a race track. Only the very top seats were being filled – no one sitting near the bottom would be able to see the parade in the air. From the plaques that lined the walls, it was apparent that people from every species honored the architectural genius behind the structure.

"Where should we sit?" Tegan finally asked.

"Turlough," the Doctor said, turning to the red-head. "This is your activity, you pick."

Turlough wasn't paying attention, he was focused on several of the other hover cabs.

"Doctor," he said, concerned. "I think we're being followed. I saw three of those people back at the information center."

The Doctor looked in the direction Turlough was focused on.

"Ah, yes," he said. "I noticed them, too. I don't think they're following _us_, though." He sent River a significant look.

"Couldn't they just be going to the parade like we are?" Tegan asked, trying to spot the people Turlough was accusing.

River tilted her head. "They could. But I imagine they're still trying to steal my handbag."

Tegan's head turned violently towards River. "Shouldn't we call the... I don't know... police or something?"

River waved off the suggestion. "No need. It's amusing to watch."

The Doctor frowned. "I hope you're not putting everyone in unnecessary danger."

River guffawed. "Doctor, I'll only consider them dangerous," she motioned at their stalkers, "when bow ties are actually cool and fezzes are actually good-looking."

The Doctor wrinkled his nose in confusion.

After a few moments are walking (River leading, the Doctor by her side, with Turlough and Tegan peering over their shoulders to try and glimpse the pick-pockets) the Doctor finally asked, "What do you mean 'when bow ties are actually cool'? What's wrong with bow-ties?"

"Nothing really," River admitted. "But there are times when I'd prefer it if a certain someone would just stop mentioning it so often – and maybe even change their wardrobe." The Doctor moved away a couple inches after a hard glare was aimed in his direction.

He looked down at himself, wondering suddenly if he was the person she was referring to. But to his relief, his outfit hadn't changed. No bow tie. Just the regular cricket uniform. So he turned on River with a high voice, "What are you glaring at _me_ for?"

"No reason, celery boy," River said.

"Celery boy? _Celery boy_!" the Doctor exclaimed, incredulously. He looked to Tegan and Turlough for support.

Tegan only shrugged. "You do wear a celery stalk, Doctor."

Turlough rubbed his cheek. "I've always wondered about that, honestly."

"It's a restorative!" the Doctor said, upset. "Not to mention it's a vigilant against Praxis gas allergies."

"It's a vegetable, Doctor," River said. "And you're wearing it."

The Doctor pursed his lips, trying to convince himself that this wasn't worth arguing over.

River, her hand no longer fingering the ranch dressing, pointed towards the middle of the stadium. "I'm assuming that's the box seat?" she asked. It was a tower planted right in the center.

"Very likely," the Doctor said, but there was an edge to his voice. He was still upset about the celery then.

River decided to ignore his distress. "And where do you suppose we pay for the seats up there?"

"You mean the raffle tickets?" Turlough asked.

"I mean the seats," River said firmly.

She heard the Doctor sigh.

"Probably over there," he said wearily.

"Box seats!" Tegan exclaimed, looking over at River. "Do you think you can actually get them?"

River laughed. "Of course."

"Wouldn't that be cheating?" Tegan asked.

"I'm paying a lot," River said, "I imagine I'm about to give them more than the entire box tower is worth."

"Then why don't you just have them build another box seat?" the Doctor asked, somewhat sarcastically.

River sent him a disappointed look. "Don't be silly," she told him, "there isn't enough time for _that_."

"Well, I'm all for it," Turlough said, "and you did say I could pick, after all."

The Doctor let out a weary sigh. "Lead on," he gestured, looking as though he had a headache.

"Doctor, I think there are three people still following us," Tegan said, worried. She'd finally recognized the similar faces that kept popping up behind them.

"Oh, no. There are definitely five," River said cheerfully.

The Doctor looked at her. "Surely they aren't all working together."

"Only two of them," River said with certainty. "I doubt the rest of them are even aware of each other – but you never know."

Tegan said with more emphasis, "Not just that! Some of them are getting closer."

"Well we'd better walk more quickly, then, hadn't we?" River said, not missing a beat.

They made it to the front door of the raffle office.

"There's one ten feet behind us," Turlough whispered.

"Good," River mock-whispered back, pushing the door open.

"Hello!" she declared. "I'd like to buy the box seats, please!"

The Slitheen behind the counter clicked in disgust. She was obviously bored of sitting there. "Money?" she demanded.

"How much?" River asked.

"How much do you have?"

River pulled out half of what was left in her handbag.

The Slitheen looked impressed. But not enough. "Sorry," she said, mocking, "We only sell raffle tickets."

"Got a higher offer?" River asked. "Not a problem." She pulled more of the ticket-money out of her handbag.

Tegan clutched Turlough's arm. "At least they aren't following us inside," she said softly.

Turlough gave a grim smile. "For now," he said. "And I can't imagine what she'll do when they get to her."

"I hope they fight each other off," Tegan said, glancing out the window. She could now see the two other pursuers that River had spotted, along with her original three. They all seemed to be staring through the window, straight at the money River was waving violently through the air.

The Doctor was watching all of this with a spot of annoyance on his face.

"River," he said firmly, taking her attention off the bartering. "You can stop baiting them now. They're closing i-in." He ended with a bit of a sing-song voice and nodded firmly towards the window.

"Lovely," River said with a grin. "We can do better than box seats anyhow."

The pursuers seemed to realize that they'd been spotted because they all started running for the door at once. Only one decided to desert. That's when they all noticed each other, which only seemed to renew their determination – all wanting to get to River first. Several of them had taken out guns.

"Time to go," the Doctor said shortly. He pushed Tegan and Turlough towards the counter – the counter that River had already hopped.

The Slitheen was watching the scene with interest and made no move to call security. As long as no one tried to steal the money she was in charge of, she felt no reason why she should be deprived of a little entertainment. Plus, she'd already been paid off by the female Crespallian to leave any rich people that came to buy a raffle ticket to her conditioned skills.

Unfortunately, the Slitheen discounted the other pursuers. The last thing she saw that day was the end of an electric-bolt phaser held by a slimy-looking human male. If she'd been human like him, and the people he was tailing, she would've died.

The Doctor witnessed this with a look of alertness on his face, before quickly slamming the back door.

"Where are we?" Tegan asked. She winced as someone began to pound on the door that both the Doctor and Turlough were trying to hold shut.

They were on a flight of dimly lit stairs that curved after about twenty feet down.

River asked nonchalantly, "I don't suppose you saw the sign when we were up there...?"

"No," Tegan uttered. "I was too busy watching _them_."

She nodded towards the banging door.

Turlough was looking exceedingly distressed, and he kept hissing for the Doctor to _do something, please_.

"Really, Turlough," the Doctor said, going through his pockets with difficulty as he shoved himself against the door, "I'm a bit occupied at the moment."

"I just hope they don't start blasting it," Turlough said with pessimism.

"Oh, why can't they just start fighting themselves!" Tegan said, stamping her foot.

River rolled her eyes and pulled out her gun.

"Doctor!" she ordered. "Open that door!"

"What...?" the Doctor said, looking up from his pockets. He frowned at the sight of her weapon. "No. Definitely not."

That's when the banging stopped.

Turlough pressed his ear to the door. Then he jumped back. "Doctor, I think their going to start blasting!"

The Doctor's eyes widened.

"Oh, stop worrying," River said waving (with the gun) for him to step to the side. "I've set it to stun."

"If you're sure," the Doctor said skeptically. "You know I really..."

"Shut up and get out of the way!" River shouted.

Turlough end up being the one to push the Doctor to the side.

"Ready?" he asked River, bracing himself for the moment when the door was opened.

"Always," River said.

The door was flung open and Turlough cowered on the steps, trying to be out of the way as possible. River got all four of them. Even though their guns had been cocked, she hadn't allowed them to fire a single one.

She smiled to herself, satisfied, and flipped the gun back into her handbag.

The Doctor was looking down at her over his nose. "Are you sure you're an archeologist?" he asked.

"Like I've told many people before: 'I _do_ love a tomb'," she said, ending with what sounded suspiciously like evil laughter.

The Doctor sighed, deciding some things were simply out of his control.

"And I have another question," he said. "Such as, why were they all so eager to catch _you_? Money is one thing..."

River smiled. "Caught that, did you? To be completely honest I have no idea. I got rid of all the minor pick-pockets earlier today. These ones just kept following me. They were completely horrible at it though, so I don't think they want me for anything extremely serious."

The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck, managing to look tired and completely unamused. But River knew he was caught.

So she started walking down the stairs, away from the obvious exit.

"Where are you going?" the Doctor demanded.

"Turlough wanted front row seats," River reminded him. "So that's where I'm going."

Another sigh.

"What's down there, Doctor?" Tegan asked.

"I'm not sure," the Doctor said, "but I bet I can guess." River's heart swelled as she heard him let out a frustrated growl, then begin to follow her down the steps.

There were probably a hundred steps total before they reached the door at the bottom.

River reached out and tugged at the handle. Good, it wasn't locked.

Tegan gasped as they stepped into the larger (very large) room. Turlough looked impressed and his eyes were zipping around at light speed. The Doctor was looking around, but it was more because it was there than out of curiosity. His hands were in his pockets and he had a satisfied expression on his face.

"See? Front row seats," River said, holding out an arm.

In front of her was a long line of floats, all being prepared for the parade.

"And how are you planning to get us on one?" the Doctor challenged.

River tutted, "That should be an easy one, Doctor. Every performer wants to see the performance every now and again. This parade is held three times today. Surely there are some actors that would like a break..."

"Doctor!" Tegan exclaimed, pointing. "Look! There's a float for Earth!"

The Doctor glanced in the direction she was pointing. "Ah, yes," he said, looking pleased. "Earth uses a fairly wide range of masks."

"Can we ride on that one?" Tegan begged.

"Ask Turlough."

"Turlough?"

"Whatever you'd like," Turlough said with a shrug. "I'm doubt they have a float for my planet anyways."

Tegan grinned and looked ecstatically at the float of her choice. It was enormous. Big as all the other ones – they were all big. They had to be if one) they were going to represent an entire planet, and two) if everyone in the stands were supposed to be able to see them.

On the sides of all the floats were white screens. Some of them were functioning, showing the actors as they chatted with each other, but most of them were off, waiting for the big moment.

"Now to find who to replace," River said, rubbing her hands together.

!~!~!~!~!~!

What was left of River's money found its way into four actors' hands. Turlough got to replace someone wearing a Greek mask that was permanently set in an exaggerated frown. Turlough didn't find this distressing at all, until he was handed a toga. Tegan got an aboriginal mask, and she seemed delighted to discover that the initial design was Australian.

River had to pay the actors she and the Doctor were replacing extra because they had actually enjoyed riding around for an hour doing the exact same thing over and over.

Which really wasn't surprising to River, because the pair were obviously in love.

It was fortunate that Tegan was distracting the Doctor.

"What am I wearing?" the Doctor finally came up to her and asked, taking the seat next to her.

The props around them were supposed to represent the late twenty-third century.

"Here," River said, flinging him a green mask covered with tiny, intricate patterns. It would only cover the area just around his eyes.

The Doctor caught it. "No strings? Ah... no need for strings," the Doctor realized, touching the material.

"We got masks from the twenty-third century," River explained. Her own mask was just as intricately decorated as the Doctor's but shaped more like a butterfly than his bandit's mask. Her peacock mask was sitting in her lap. "No costumes though..."

The Doctor only nodded, and didn't inquire as to what thy were supposed to do during the parade. He probably thought he was going to be able to get away with just waving, River thought with amusement.

Inspectors came by all the floats, checking to make sure everything was ready, reminding the various participants of the safety rules, and handing out different necessities (like water, or nitrogen-oxide, depending on the species).

Finally they opened the doors, leaving an opening in the wall that was bigger than Buckingham Palace, leading to a sheer drop if anyone felt like walking over the ledge.

River looked over to see Tegan bouncing with excitement. Even Turlough's tragic mask looked relatively content.

"You know," she heard the Doctor say as the floats began to move, "I think I'm rather going to enjoy this."

"Oh," River said with certainty, "I _know_ I will."

She smiled at the camera in front of them as the green light indicated that it was on.

She snapped her fingers, causing the Dcotor to glance at her with a confused expression. "Before we get out there," she said, "there's just one thing I need to change..." and before he could protest, the celery had been whisked off his lapel.

"I say! What was that for?" he demanded, reaching for his celery stalk. She held it out of his reach.

"I'm not kissing a man wearing a piece of celery on his lapel," River said coolly. [A/N inspired by JenniferJF's 'Night Shift', chapter 30]

"Luckily for both of us," the Doctor said, leaning over to get a further reach, "there's not much chance of that happening, is there? Now will you give me back my celery?"

River was already taking out the ranch dressing.

"Oh no," the Doctor groaned, seeing the bottle. "You can't be serious!"

River popped open the top. "What _else_ would I eat with celery?" she asked. "I mean, besides the usual, of course, but I am rather fond of this American concoction."

The Doctor's eyes widened in horror as she filled the celery's crevasse with dressing. He made a last-ditch effort to stop her, but she pulled out of his reach again.

He winced as she crunched down on his decorative vegetable.

"I was wondering," River asked, smacking her lips as she finished, "how do you keep it so fresh?"

"Actually, I replace it every day," the Doctor admitted.

That explained the giant fridge full of celery back on the Tardis then.

"Doctor, what am I going to do with you?" River sighed.

"Me? I'm not the one... And we're out," the Doctor cut himself off as their float entered the giant stadium. The crowds seemed to roar down at them as they rose into higher into the air, following the almost all-red float in front of them.

He quickly wiped off his scowl and replaced it with an unhealthy smile. River's smile was genuine, and she blew the camera several kisses.

"Doctor?" River asked after a couple minutes.

"Hm?"

"I don't suppose you've ever heard of the the story of the star, Elenora, meeting and falling in love with the human, Prince Hoseff."

The Doctor nodded absently, giving the camera an indulgent wave.

River looked at her fingernails, wondering how long it was going to take him.

"Oh yes, the one where she was kicked out of her solar system by surrounding stars, and she just happened to land on earth? Quite. I remember that story being popular around the twenty-third, twenty-fourth century," he said. "It was the first classic play written in over a hundred years. Stage performing had gotten rare by that point, you know."

"There was a lot of kissing," River added.

The Doctor let out a short laugh. "Yes, I know," he said. "It was the only way they could get non-literary devotees to go see the play."

"And what were the costumes like?" River prompted, giving a wave of her own up at the camera.

"Well for one thing, everyone wore a mask – similar to ours in fact – that were each symbolic..." the Doctor trailed off and River saw him glance at her out of the corner of his eye. His entire body seemed to shrink away from her.

That was when a little speaker from the corner burst to life. "Hey, you there! Elanora and Hoseff! A little more romance please or I'll have to come up!" the man did not sound happy.

The Doctor stood up, looking ready to run.

River stood up herself, blocking the escape route to the other parts of the float.

"Oh no!" the Doctor said, twitching. "There's not way..."

River grabbed both sides of his frock coat and pulled him forwards. "I don't think it would be fair to Turlough and Tegan if we got kicked off," she said, inches from his face.

His his widened as he realized what she was going to do. But she didn't give him time to struggle. She kissed him on the mouth; hard.

Ten seconds later she let him go, stepped backwards and examined him. If it wasn't her imagination, the cheering had gotten louder.

The Doctor appeared to be in shock. He was blinking rapidly, and his mouth was opening and closing like he wasn't sure what to do with it.

"Hm, maybe I'll settle for a peck on the cheek next time," River said, considering.

The Doctor swallowed and licked his lips. His eyes met hers. They were accusing.

River shrugged. "What can I say? They were the only part we could take," she lied.

The Doctor ran a hand down his face. He seemed to be muttering, "I must not get angry. I must not get angry. I must not get angry."

"Look, Doctor," River said. "I do apologize for startling you, but you heard the man. We're supposed to be portraying lovers, not smiling idiots!"

"Well I much prefer the smiling idiot to the alternative," the Doctor said, eyes flashing. With that, he took a seat.

River sat next to him smoothly, still smiling for the camera. "Doctor," she said gently, "I truly am sorry. You have my word that I won't try anything else that might make things awkward."

The Doctor snorted. "I do believe it's a bit late for that," he said, his voice hard.

Oh dear, River looked up at the sky. He was truly angry with her this time. It only reminded her that this wasn't her Doctor yet.

"Doctor!" River finally heard Tegan gasp out.

River smiled over at Tegan's figure and waved. Tegan was probably spluttering behind the mask.

The Doctor groaned, and his head fell into his hands. "She saw, didn't she?" the Doctor asked wretchedly.

"I don't see why it's so bad," River said. "You aren't married or anything, are you?"

"Not anymore," the Doctor said, his voice muffled. Then his head rose up and he sat straight in his seat.

"Is she still looking at me?" he asked, sounding defeated.

River said, "I can't really tell with that mask on, but she's definitely facing our direction."

"How am I going to explain this?" he asked with a groan.

"You don't have to," River said. "I will. It's my fault after all."

The Doctor continued to sit rigidly in his seat.

A silent minute past, and he asked again, "Is she still looking?"

"Yep."

The Doctor's face was beginning to turn a slight shade of pink, but River couldn't tell if it was out of anger or embarrassment, or something else altogether.

"Still?"

"No."

The Doctor relaxed and he looked around himself. That's when he remembered where he was.

"We're supposed to be representing Elanora and Hoseff," the Doctor stated.

River nodded. "The boss came over the intercom again while you were sulking," River told him.

To her relief, the Doctor looked over at her. When he met her eyes, any of the resentment he held towards her was missing.

"I certainly don't want any angry managers coming up hear to yell at us," he said loftily.

"No-o-o-o," River said, holding out the 'o'.

"And whatever Tegan believes," he said firmly, "I am certainly not unromantic."

"Really?" River asked, not entirely sure where he was going with this.

"Here," the Doctor said, holding out his palm. "Give me your hand."

River obeyed.

To her surprise, he took her hand and kissed it, looking every second a prince as he did so.

"My lady," he said graciously.

River nearly had to clap a hand over her mouth to keep from giggling like a schoolgirl.

Over the intercom came a satisfied, "That's better. Now keep it up!"

The Doctor raised his eyebrows at her, eyes sparkling, and River laughed. He didn't let go of her hand.

River glowed the entire parade.

!~!~!~!~!~!

"What was_ that_?" Tegan demanded to know as soon as the float had come to a stop, back in the giant docking room.

"_That_," the Doctor said, "was called acting."

"You were kissing!" Tegan said, taking off the Australian mask.

River waved. "That was me going overboard," she said in a sing-song voice.

"Quite overboard," the Doctor muttered.

"But why?" Tegan asked, looking shell-shocked.

"We were playing the part of star-crossed lovers, Tegan, if that's enough of an explanation for you," the Doctor said.

"Not really," she said grouchily, folding her arms.

"Turlough!" the Doctor called, relieved to change the subject as he caught sight of the young man. "How did you like being in the parade?"

Turlough smiled as he came down a ladder to join them. "I must confess that I really enjoyed it," he said with a nod.

"Even with the toga?" Tegan teased.

Turlough sent her a half-smile. "Even with the toga."

The Doctor straightened as he remembered something.

"Oh! And we also found what our thieves were after!" the Doctor exclaimed. He held up the peacock mask. "There was a microchip attached to one of the feathers."

Tegan raised her eyebrows. "What's the chip for?" she asked.

The Doctor shrugged. "I think I'll just turn it over to the people at the information desk," he said, "and let them deal with it. I have a feeling it has to do with smuggled goods."

"Fun while it lasted," River said nostalgically.

The Doctor tried to give her a scolding look, but only managed to make himself look sulky. Finally he relented and said, "Running is good for you, after all."

Tegan snorted. Turlough didn't react, his was studying the Doctor, looking puzzled.

"Doctor?" Turlough asked. "Where's your celery?"

**Next Chapter: The Ponds wake up.**


	12. The Ponds

**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who**

**Author's Note: For those of you who have my story on alert- sorry. It's been a while. Hopefully it won't take me too long to finish the next chapter, even if I am out of a Doctor Who mode. (I know, how did _that_ happen?)**

Amy and Rory Pond awoke to the sound of a crash. Again.

"That's got to be the third time tonight," Rory said sleepily, rubbing his eyes.

Amy's eyes slanted angrily. "Doctor, I am going to kill you," she muttered under her breath, punctuating each word as she said it.

Rory felt his wife slide out of bed. He groaned as she grabbed hold of his wrist, trying to drag him out as well. "Can't this wait until morning?" he asked.

"No," came the firm reply.

Sigh. "Yes, dear."

Another loud noise penetrated the quiet. It sounded like an explosion.

Amy ranted, "I'm going to make the little, bow-tie wearing creep remember that we're not all resilient, 'save-the-universe-twenty-seven-times-before-breakfast' aliens, who don't have to sleep after running for practically an hour straight. I don't care if he's finally learning how to make pancakes on the siphon crystals! I. Want. Him. Dead."

"Amy... Amy!" Rory tried to calm her down as she marched through the corridor. He was failing. As it was, he was having a hard time keeping up with her.

"Amy, can't we just..." his sentence was cut off as his wife slapped a hand over his mouth.

"Do you hear that?" Amy asked, her voice now hushed.

"Mmnoph-glmpph-sh," was all Rory could say. She took his hand off his mouth. "What am I supposed to be hearing?" he whispered.

She gestured towards the end of the corridor.

"Shouting. Can't you hear it?"

As Rory listened, he realized that he could. "He's probably arguing with the computer protocol again," he said with a shrug.

Amy frowned. "C'mon," she said, and led the way down the long hallway towards the source of the arguing.

"Why are we tip-toeing?" Rory asked in an exaggerated whisper.

Amy swatted at him. "In case we have to eavesdrop," she whispered back.

Rory rolled his eyes but continued to tread softly.

As they got closer, it was very apparent that the other voice didn't belong to a computer. It was far too sassy.

"I fully intend on selling it to the highest bidder, and there's nothing you can do about it," they heard River tell the Doctor firmly.

"What's _she_ doing here?" Rory asked quietly. Simultaneously, Amy let out an, "Aha! I knew it!"

They looked at each other. "What?" Rory asked.

"Sh!" Amy hushed him.

"...you picked my pocket!" the Doctor finished. Amy pictured him with a wrinkled forehead and his arms waving around, unsure of what to do with them while he lectured.

"Haha, admit it. You loved it when I knocked you over," River gushed.

"River!" the Doctor exclaimed, affronted.

"Besides," River threw out, "that was hundreds of years ago for you. It's not like you actually cared about it until now."

"It's not like I knew how to find you," the Doctor said. "You gave me three different names and all of them were fake!"

"On your orders," River pointed out.

"That's besides the point," the Doctor dismissed.

"Then what is the point, sweetie?" River asked. "You'd better not lecture me on 'stolen goods' considering that you've got the real Declaration of Independence framed in your library."

"Funny they don't know, isn't it?" the Doctor said, deliberating. "John Hancock's was actually the hardest to forge, believe it or not."

There was a pause.

"You thought I would start monologuing, didn't you?" the Doctor finally asked.

"You did get off topic."

There was another pause. Then Amy and Rory heard a sniff. "That's not fair," was all the Doctor managed.

River laughed. "Still not giving it to you," she said.

"I didn't ask for it," the Doctor intoned.

In Amy's mind, River shrugged. "You were giving me 'the look'," River informed.

"What look?" the Doctor sound skeptical.

"The wide-eyed look you give people when you want something," River said.

The Doctor asked, sounding interested, "Does it work?"

"Of course," River stated, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. "I used to fall for it all the time. Amy still does, actually." Rory felt Amy stiffen at the mention of her name. "And no, you aren't to start using it as a secret weapon."

Silence. The Doctor was probably pouting.

The hum of the Tardis engines made Amy remember how sleepy she was. Although with River here, it was doubtful that she was going to get to go back to bed.

"But it could be important to someone's welfare!" the Doctor protested, interrupting the peaceful atmosphere.

"Doctor, I doubt one little data microchip is going to cause anyone lifelong suffering," River said. "Tell you what. I won't sell it to anyone within three-hundred years of the era. How's that?"

"River, I'm not sure you... wait. Did you say it was a _data_ microchip?" the Doctor asked, sounding incredulous.

"Of course, what did you think it was?" River asked, sounding amused.

"Actually I was hoping that it controlled a planet's weapon's systems," the Doctor admitted. "Data chip... that's rather boring. Why would anyone want to smuggle a data chip?"

River snorted.

"Data chips can be rather useful, Doctor – to normal people anyway. Which is why I think I can get a fairly good price off of it."

"Keep it," the Doctor said, sounding disappointed.

"Thank you, dear," River said.

Silence again.

"You know," the Doctor said after a moment, "you really didn't have to shoot my hat stand."

"We are not having a hat stand on the bridge," River said dangerously.

"It's my Tardis!" the Doctor whined. "Besides, I had a hat stand in the console room for years and no one complained. Actually, I was the one to move it out, come to think of it..."

"No."

"Right," the Doctor said.

"So now where to?" River asked. "Where's number six?"

"Ah, River. Actually, I was thinking maybe we'd do that tomorrow night, you know?"

"No, I don't know. Why?" River asked.

"Because Amy and Rory have been sleeping for at least eight hours already."

"Your point?"

The Doctor sighed, exasperated. "Humans generally sleep eight to ten hours. It means they're going to wake up soon."

"So?"

"River! If Amy found out where we were going, we'd have to take her! You know what she's like!"

All right. That's it. Amy grabbed onto Rory's wrist and dragged him through the corridor. She made no effort to be quiet. In fact, stomping as loudly as she could in bare feet.

Rory sighed and padded on behind her, trying to keep the circulation in his hand.

"You have yet to give me a good reason why she can't come along," River told him. "Rory is quite capable of keeping her from doing anything rash. At least, he's better at it than you are. Besides, you... sweetie, what's wrong?"

The Doctor had gone pale and his eyes were focused on something behind her. River turned around, already having a good idea of what she was going to see.

"Amy!" she gushed.

Amy met her eyes briefly and gave her a slight smile. But then the smile vanished and turned into a hardened glare as her gaze back on the Doctor.

"Amelia," the Doctor said weakly. Then he exclaimed with fake enthusiasm, "Good morning! Look who just happened to turn up!" He gestured at River.

"Doctor..."Amy warned.

"She's in a bit of a mood," Rory said loudly. He gasped in pain as her elbow contacted with his ribs.

"Apparently," the Doctor squeaked, earning him another glare.

"Doctor, I woke up three times tonight to very loud banging sounds," Amy said stiffly. "And now I learn that you're going places without telling. Spill."

The Doctor looked desperately at River. There was no mercy there.

She smiled evilly.

The Doctor narrowed his eyes. _Don't you dare..._

"He's been taking me to see his past regenerations – we're on number six now," River proclaimed. The Doctor slapped his forehead.

Amy squealed, "Really? Can I come? Oh, please let me come. _Doctor_ – you'd better let me come."

"What's a regeneration?" Rory asked, a dazed expression on his face as his wife let go of his wrist to hook onto the Doctor's arm.

Everyone ignored Rory.

The Doctor tried to pull free of Amy's grip of his sleeve, but she refused to let go.

"C'mon Doctor," she said. "Why not? I've always wanted to see what the other you's looked like. Please? Please? You're not embarrassed are you? Were you ugly or something?"

"Pond!" Doctor protested. "No, I'm not taking you, and no, I'm not embarrassed, and what do you mean, was I ugly?"

"Well there's got to be _some _reason you don't want me there," Amy said.

The Doctor finally managed to unhook himself. He shuffled away from her.

"I just... It's just..." he found he couldn't finish the sentence.

"You don't have a real reason, do you?" Amy accused.

The Doctor ran his hands through his hair. "It's just that now I'm going to have to babysit!"

"How very flattering, Doctor," Amy said, folding her arms.

"I mean," he began, "River's bad enough, but at least I remember what she did – or most of it anyway. But I can't remember you being there at all, which means you'll have to stay in the background. And if past experience is anything to go by..."

"...she's going to jump in as soon as she hears something interesting," Rory was the one to finish the Doctor.

Everyone glanced at him in surprise.

Then they all looked at Amy.

"Hey!" she exclaimed. "I can be subtle."

River folded her arms, tilted her head, and stared at the Doctor. He scowled at her, sticking out his lower lip.

Everyone waited for a full minute.

The Doctor caved. "Fine!" he declared, throwing his hands in the air. "But it's your own fault if the universe implodes."

"Yay!" Amy squealed, clapping her hands together. Then she gave Rory a brief hug.

"Thanks..." he said honestly. "But would someone please explain to me what's going on?"


	13. Smugglers and a Loud Fashion Sense

**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who**

**A/N: This is meant to take place a little more than month after the sixth Doctor has regenerated (meaning Peri hasn't quite gotten used to him yet and probably still considers him to be slightly unstable). Peri was good for the Doctor, I suppose, but I liked Melanie (curly ginger hair, whatdaya know) better. Still, Peri was in the majority of the episodes, so I used her.  
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Amy took one look out of the door before shouting, "Doctor!"

"Yes?"

"You've landed us in a freezer."

The Doctor poked his head out the door. He glanced around at all the frost-covered food. "Yes, well, the janitor's closet was too small, so I had to go for next best thing."

"Where are we, then, huh? Some sort of microwave-food restaurant?" Amy asked, picking up a box a that advertised an 'Instant warm-up (_very_ tasty) meal!'.

The Doctor picked up one of the boxes, took one look at the picture, and stuck out his tongue. "Blech. I'm glad I never ate here – definitely not an Marie Antoine Carême," he determined instantly. He flung the distasteful food in the corner.

"So is it a restaurant or not?" Amy prompted.

The Doctor shrugged. "It's more of a drinks place."

"You mean a bar, sweetie."

The Doctor sent River, who had just stepped out of the Tardis, a look. "To put it _bluntly_," he sniffed.

River let out an exasperated sigh. "Let's not be prejudiced just because you think alcoholic beverages taste like Dagoon swamp water."

"They _do_!" the Doctor exclaimed.

"Besides," he added. "The bartender here is absolutely horrible – he didn't know where anything was. And I'm _still_ waiting for my order."

"Lemonade?" Amy inquired. River smirked.

The Doctor sniffed.

Amy laughed.

"So where's Rory?" the Doctor asked, changing the subject. He peered back into the Tardis. "RORY!"

A muffled, "Almost done!" came back.

"Finishing breakfast," the Doctor informed.

"Have fun waiting. I'll be in the 'restaurant', watching for you," River said. She turned the freezer-door's long handle. "Cheerio, then."

"See you!" the Doctor said, giving her a wave. Then the door was shut, cutting off the flow of warm air.

!~!~!~!~!~!

River canvased the bar's dim interior and came to the immediate conclusion that this was a smuggler's joint. It made her glad that she'd changed clothes – that blue dress was _much_ too ritzy for this place.

What in the universe would compel the Doctor to come in a place like this was beyond her – it looked too run down to carry much importance in the Doctor's work. Most of his contacts (even the shady ones) usually hung out in more propitious locations. This was just a corner nightclub on some out-placed earth colony.

Still, the Doctor claimed he'd been here.

So River slid past a table of gamblers and sat herself at the counter next to the most well-dressed person in the room.

He wasn't bad looking either.

"Hey you!"

River looked up to see the greasy bartender baring down on her. "Lady!" he said loudly.

"Yes?" she asked, putting her elbow on the counter.

"You gonna order anything?" he asked snappishly, cleaning out a glass with a grayish rag.

River raised her eyebrows. She doubted the drinks were any better than the food. So she leaned forward and tried, "I'm meeting someone."

The man leaned closer and she had to focus on not flinching as his fowl breath hit her nose. "Pay, or leave."

"That's a bit rude," she said sweetly.

The man snarled.

"Hey," the man next to her said. He flipped the bartender a silver coin. "Leave the lady alone."

The greasy man caught the coin and rubbed his fingers over it greedily. After sending River a nasty look, he nodded at the smartly-dressed man. "As you will, sir."

Someone in the back shouted out a meal order.

The bartender grumbled, but quickly shuffled through to the kitchen door. He wasn't going to miss a chance to cheat someone out of their money.

"Thanks," River said, turning her head to get a good look at her well-dressed rescuer.

"Ah, I'm sure you had it all under control," the man said casually, leaning back in his seat. "But we smugglers need ol' Harry alive. He's one of the few bar owners that let us operate in the open. Plus... I like helping out pretty ladies."

River gave him a wry look. "I'm sure you do," she said, tracing the patterns on the counter with her finger, while keeping full eye contact with the man.

"So," the man said, relaxing. "Who are you meeting? Not romantic I hope."

River's eyes flashed. "Heaven help the man who tries to take me on a date to _this_ place," she said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I think I'd murder him."

The man next to her chuckled.

"I imagine you would."

"So what's your name?" River asked. "Are you into smuggling weapons? That's a nice Bowzer automatic you have, hanging by your belt."

The man smiled. "So you appreciate weaponry, huh? I'm suddenly liking you even more. The name's Ricky Keyes." He held out his hand.

She gave him her hand, only to have him bring it to his lips and kiss her knuckles gently. "Melody Smith," she intoned, noticing how he'd avoided mentioning what sort of trade he dealt with.

A loud yelp came from the back room and her hand was dropped gacelessly.

Ricky had glanced up sharply. "That was Harry," he said stiffly, looking nervous. River suddenly got the distinct impression that the man was new in the smuggling business. For all his smooth-talking, he was far too jumpy.

None of the other clients seemed to have heard the yell, or (more likely) they didn't care.

And then came a muffled, "Rory, what did you just _do_?"

"He was manhandling my wife!" the clear tones of her father came from the back.

"Oh," was the Doctor's reply.

"I'm _fine_, Rory," Amy replied, sounding annoyed. "Nice punch, though."

River let out an exasperated sigh. "I leave that man alone for two minutes..."

Ricky frowned. "Who's back there?" he asked.

River smacked her lips. "A babysitting job."

The smuggler looked unimpressed, and slightly suspicious.

Just then, the Doctor managed to come bumbling through the kitchen's entrance, closely trailed by Amy and Rory, who both had wrinkled noses – probably due to the rapacious smell of cheap alcohol and sweaty men. River sighed again. The idiot hadn't even bothered to look for the side exit, the one that came from and led to the loo.

The Doctor was glancing around wildly before he relaxed and said in a stuffy tone, "Oh good, I'm not here yet."

Ricky raised his eyebrows.

Amy looked disappointed. "Oh, you mean you're not the hot guy sitting next to River?"

Both the Doctor and Rory gave the Scottish girl a discomfited look.

"No, of course not," the Doctor said, looking miffed, while simultaneously, Rory was asking, "What do you mean, he's hot?"

"Well, he is!" Amy defended, gesturing at Ricky. "Isn't he River?"

River wished her mother hadn't addressed her directly.

"Yes, dear," she said. "Now go sit in a corner like your supposed to."

Amy scowled.

Rory on the other hand, was all for it. He grabbed her arm. "C'mon," he muttered, "people are giving us strange looks. Besides, _he_ could show up at any minute."

At this, Amy cheered up slightly, and she let her husband drag her around the counter to an empty table tucked in the shadows. They sat down, both nervous by all the attention they were receiving. Rory rectified this by slouching and making himself look small as possible, while Amy straightened her back and stared defiantly at anyone who dared look their way.

"What in the blazes is going on?" Ricky hissed. "You aren't police are you? And I thought your name was Melody Smith."

The Doctor leaned against the counter and chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Ricky asked. River noticed his hands were drifting towards his gun.

The Doctor glanced at River. "I'm just trying to imagine her upholding the law, is all," he said, amused.

"Doctor," River warned.

"What?" he asked, indignant.

Oh, he was hard young!

"You're supposed to be sitting with Amy and Rory," she reminded coolly.

"Won't you introduce us before he leaves?" Ricky asked, a dangerous edge in his voice.

The Doctor gave him an annoying smile. "No need. I remember you well enough, Ricky the smuggler," he stated.

River clenched her teeth.

Ricky leaned forward. "I'm sorry, I can't place your face," he said, eyes shooting high-frequency lasers.

"You wouldn't," the Doctor said, looking smug. "You haven't actually me yet."

"Doctor!" River hissed. If he said one more word...

"If you lied about being the police..." Ricky drew his gun and set it on the counter as a promise.

The Doctor balked.

River groaned. The guy really was an amateur – threatening people in such an obvious manner.

A second later, the door at the front of the bar swung open. The bell hanging over the entrance jangled loudly, and rang loudly again as the weights forced the door closed. Two people had just entered the bar, and neither seemed to notice that all eyes were focused on them, for a fairly good reason too.

"Ech! Doctor," the girl whined, "this place smells horrible! It's so... dingy."

The man beside her sighed. He was waving a hand in front of his nose, as if that alone would rid the atmosphere of its fetidness. "Peri, this is one of those rare circumstances where I happen to agree with you. Unfortunately, there's not much we can do about it."

He strode up to the counter, not noticing Amy, who was following him with her eyes, a horrified expression on her face. River saw her mouth to Rory, "And I thought the bow-tie was bad."

The brightly dressed Doctor banged on the counter, looking at his older self without a hint of recognition.

"Bartender," he ordered pompously. "Me and my associate would like a couple lemonades – if your establishment even has lemonade, which I highly doubt."

"Doctor," Peri huffed, "this is a _bar_ – and an awful one by the looks of it. Bars don't sell lemonade."

The Doctor pursed his lips. "Well that's all I feel like at the moment, so they'll just have to deal with it." He looked back at his older self, who had a shell-shocked expression on his face. "Well? Do will you be able to fill my order or not?"

The 'bartender' swallowed and finally managed, "Erm... I'll think I'm going to have to check on that one."

The Doctor looked unamused. When the bartender made no move to try and fulfill his order, he gave an exasperated sigh.

"I need to start carrying a canteen around with me," he muttered.

"Like Mad-Eye Moody?" Peri asked. "The one from those Harry Potter books?"

"Exactly," the Doctor said. Then he gave his young companion an appreciative look. "You finally finished those?"

"What do you mean, _finally_?" Peri asked, sounding offended. "It only took me five weeks to read all seven."

The Doctor snorted.

Peri was about to defend her case when he broke her concentration by shouting at his older self, who was trying to slowly back out of the room.

"Wait just a minute! I also need to identify a 'Ricky Keyes'," the Doctor said. Beside her, River could feel Ricky freeze. "An informant told me I could find him here."

The Doctor, who was rooted in front of the kitchen door, flitted his gaze towards the smuggler. This didn't go unnoticed by his younger self, who immediately turned to face the people sitting four feet away. The older Doctor took the opportunity to bolt into the back room.

Before sitting down, the Doctor flicked the tail of his waistcoat away from him, not wanting to chance getting it soiled by the greasy-looking seats. Following his example, Peri gingerly took the stool next to him.

"Who told you about me?" Ricky rasped. He looked nervous.

The Doctor clapped his hands together. "So you are Ricky, then! Good, I wasn't sure."

Ricky squirmed, realizing his mistake.

River decided to bring attention to her own presence. "And who are you?" River asked the Doctor, examining her fingernails.

The Doctor raised his eyebrows. "The Doctor," he said. "But why should I be talking to _you_? Unless I have this wrong – I rarely do – and _you're _Ricky..." he suggested mockingly.

River was unappreciative.

"If I was," she began, "what would you want me for?"

The Doctor looked at the ceiling.

Then he turned his gaze on Peri and asked cynically, "Is your species _entirely_ incapable of being monosemous?"

Peri scowled at him. "That's not even a word," she snorted.

River leaned across the space in front of the Doctor and whispered helpfully, "He means 'unambiguous'."

Peri wrinkled her nose and gave River a look of dislike. River figured she probably didn't know what 'unambiguous' meant either.

Apparently the Doctor was having the same thoughts because he leaned against his elbow and asked his companion, a small smile on his lips, "You do know what 'unambiguous' means, don't you?"

The American girl gave him a ruffled look. "Of course I do!" she exclaimed. "I'm not stupid you know." Then, to prove that she did, went on to say, "It means 'to only have one meaning'."

"Very good," the Doctor congratulated dryly. "I was only checking. You _did_ take five weeks to read the Harry Potter series, after all."

"Only because you're always dragging me off to chase after all those weird aliens! I barely have any time to relax," Peri defended. River could actually see her point. There wasn't much time for reading when you were traveling with the Doctor.

"Five. Weeks," the Doctor emphasized.

Peri rolled her eyes. "I'm never reading anything you ever suggest to me again," she muttered.

The Doctor frowned. "What kind of petty attitude is that? I still haven't told you about the epic novelization of-"

"Will you cut it!" Ricky finally shouted. The bar went silent.

River closed her eyes and wondered when this would be over.

Ricky licked his lips and said in a low voice, "I don't know who you are, or how you heard of me. But I swear, if you don't tell me..." he picked his gun off the counter.

"Doctor..." Peri said nervously.

River smiled as kindly as she could towards the girl – hopefully it didn't look like a smirk. "Don't worry, dear, I've already disarmed the weapon," she said, holding up the ammonium cartridge as proof.

Ricky immediately examined his weapon and found, to his dismay, that she had.

"Well that was anticlimactic," the Doctor said, giving River an appreciative glance. "I'm assuming you aren't with him, then?"

"Only for the past ten minutes," she answered smoothly. "But I am interested to find out exactly what he deals in." Ricky flinched.

The Doctor waved away her curiosity. "It's nothing spectacular," he said, suddenly bored. Ricky frowned. Everything he traded in was 'spectacular'. The Doctor continued, "It's only ion moss crystals."

River raised her eyebrows.

Ricky shushed him and looked around violently, trying to see if anyone had heard the loud idiot. The smuggler gulped, seriously hoping they hadn't.

"Doctor," River began slowly, "do you have any idea how much those little things are worth?"

The Doctor scoffed, "Monetary value means nothing. It's what they can do that should be interesting– and believe me, it's not terribly interesting at all."

Ricky balked.

River sighed.

"Why's it so much money?" Peri asked. "All he needs it for is to clean his circuitry."

Both River and Ricky groaned. Ricky was so affronted that he slammed his head onto the counter top.

"What is it?" Peri asked.

Ricky mumbled something incoherent then lifted his head. "Ion moss crystals," he said softly – almost profoundly, "Are the best anti-viral, anti-bacterial, anti-rust, anti-dust..."

"Basically, they clean everything," River said shortly, her voice also lowered. "And of course _he's_ using it on circuitry!"

Ricky nodded. "They were discovered on a planet where they were considered a plague – the natives needed half the things the moss crystals got rid of," he said. "So, for almost free, human and other alien species scourged the planet of the things and were made wealthy overnight."

"But why's it so expensive?" Peri asked. "Can't anyone just go to the planet and get some?"

Ricky turned grave and shook his head.

"The planet was destroyed in a freak meteor shower," River explained. "Luckily, most of the inhabitants were saved, due to erroneously-based circumstances," she didn't look in the Doctor's direction, and the Doctor was suddenly very interested in a spot on the ceiling.

"But the price of the moss crystals sky-rocketed. Smuggling is the only way for anyone who isn't a billionaire to get one nowadays," Ricky said, puffing out his chest. "And those are some of my cargo. I currently have twenty-four in stock."

The Doctor harrumphed.

"It's not all that impressive," he said, his blonde curls bobbing as he leaned back. "I have a stash of at least a thousand somewhere, but I can't seem to find them."

Ricky's jaw dropped open and River smiled wickedly. If the Doctor hadn't found them since then... she wondered what the black market would do if she suddenly turned up with them.

"You have at least a thousand and you..." Ricky spluttered, "..._lost_ them?" He looked a little pale.

"My stash of jelly babies is missing too," the Doctor added sadly. "I imagine they're in the same general vicinity."

With a generous sigh, the Doctor shook himself.

"So? How much for one?" he asked Ricky, suddenly very businessman-like.

"First," Ricky said, holding up a finger, "I want to know who told you I was here."

"Why?" River asked. "This isn't your usual hang-out then?"

Ricky shook his head. "Not mine – my father used it a lot though."

River almost rolled her eyes. The boy was much too trusting, answering all her questions. If he'd been a real smuggler at heart, he would've been gone as soon as the Doctor had shown up – either of him.

"Actually," he said, "barely anyone know that I _am_ a smuggler. My father passed away a couple days ago, and I've inherited his business."

"Fascinating," the Doctor said, looking bored.

"I'm on vacation – in mourning, you know," Ricky said, propping himself against the counter, not looking like a person in mourning at all. "Not much extravagance obviously, but at least I don't have thugs on my tail twenty-four/seven – yet anyways."

"Are you still willing to sell your stock?" the Doctor asked impatiently. "We can come back later, if you'd like."

Ricky held up a hand. "No. No. I'm always willing to do business," the man said quickly. "Just tell me who told you where to find me, and then how much you can pay, and I'll tell you if I can sell you one."

"What sort of currency do you use?" the Doctor asked,

"Um... shadow credits," Ricky said, the expression on his face clearly asking whether there was any other currency that could be used in intergalactic money deals.

"Ah! Of course," the Doctor agreed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of British pounds.

"Wrong pocket," Peri said dully.

The Doctor sent her a look then reached into his other pocket. "Peri, while I'm looking, could you be a dear and describe the gentleman who told us about this our 'Ricky Keyes'?"

Peri nodded firmly. "Right," she stated. After considering a moment she said, lifting a hand, "Well, he was about this tall... with blackish, grayish hair, and kind of a large, bulbous nose. Very ugly."

"Not very nice," the Doctor said distractedly, pulling out a banana.

"But true," Peri defended. "Anyways, he was also kind of pale, and he had a circle tattoo around his eye."

Ricky stiffened. "A circle tattoo? Around his eye?"

Peri nodded. "It was in purple."

Ricky stood up violently, the stool screeching as he moved. "That bastard's found my stash!" he raged. Everyone in the bar ignored his outburst this time – apparently this guy was just one of those customers.

The Doctor reached around River and pulled the young man back into his seat. "What are you raving on about?" he demanded.

"The man with the circle tattoo – he was my father's ex-partner, Variusi Burk" Ricky explained sullenly. "He threatened me at my old man's funeral, wanting me to make him a partner. But of course I wouldn't," Ricky snorted. "The man's a back-stabbing coward!"

"And what has he just done to make you so violent?" the Doctor asked.

"Burk's found where I keep all my supplies in between runs," Ricky said with a groan. "I hired guards but- OH! I'm a bloomin' _idiot_!" the man suddenly exclaimed.

"The guards were set ups, sent to you by Burk," River guessed dully.

"Which also means you don't have any moss crystals to sell me," the Doctor sighed. He stood up and gestured to Peri, "Well, since there's obviously no point to being here, let's see if we can go find that Burk fellow again."

"And he sent you to me as a message!" the depressed smuggler sent accusing glares towards Peri and the Doctor. "Probably thought you didn't have enough money to pay him."

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Well, we'll just have to prove otherwise. Come along, Peri."

"Finally," Peri said, her heels clicking as she hurried after him.

Ricky laughed maniacally after them. "Just don't let him shoot you!"

"What?" Peri exclaimed, looking back. She grabbed the Doctor's arm. "Doctor, maybe we'd better not do this."

"Stop _worrying_, Peri. Good bye, then!" the Doctor called, waving. Then, with the sound of the jangling bell on the top of the door, he and Peri slipped out into fresher air.

River stood up as well.

"Well this was fun," she said. "But it looks like the person I'm waiting for is no-show, so ta-ta, then!"

Ricky slumped onto the counter. "My life is over!" he complained.

"What's _he_ moaning about?" Amy snapped, standing behind River.

"Just lost his job," River said unsympathetically.

"Well get a different one, then!" Amy proclaimed, kicking the man's leg. "Surely you have a life savings or something?"

"Can we go now?" Rory asked. He looked worn out. River felt slightly guilty. She hadn't been paying attention to her parents at all, but she imagined that Amy had probably been throwing a fit for the entire episode.

Ricky was blinking, staring at Amy as though she were an angel of goodness. "That's it!" he babbled excitedly, sitting up straighter. "I'll just do something different!"

Amy raised her eyebrows and she looked at River. "Is he drunk?" she finally asked.

"That or stupid," River said.

When Ricky scowled, River tossed the cartridge she'd stolen onto the counter and told him bluntly, "You'd make a horrible criminal."

Ricky tried to look affronted but he couldn't get around the sheer obviousness of the statement. His shoulders slumped. "No kidding," he muttered.

"Don't worry," Amy said encouragingly. "You've got great looks! And you seem like the type who'd be good at dinner parties. People will love you... you'll see."

"Thanks," the man said, feeling slightly better than he had a couple minutes before, but not by much.

"Great looks..." Rory muttered. Then he asked loudly, "Can we go now?"

"I'm all for it," River said, already on the other side of the counter.

"Anything to get out of this place," Amy agreed, following her daughter's example. Rory trailed doggedly behind her.

"The Doctor is going to have his bow-tie collection burned tonight," River added, matter-of-factly, as they entered the freezer.

"And that horribly colored suit of his!" Amy proclaimed, shuddering. "I bet he still has it."

"Can I light the match?" the normally passive Rory asked.

**Author's Note: To be honest, I'm not particularly happy about this chapter. I wish I would've place more emphasis on the Doctor and less on 'Ricky the smuggler'. Sigh... Oh well. Maybe I'll rewrite this at some point. But until then - on to number seven!**


End file.
